Home Town Dates!

Home town dates!!
First Emily gets to spend some time in her hometown with Rickie to rejuvenate and ground herself after all of her romantic travels and midnight make-out sessions.
We get a little state of the state on her feelings for our four remaining fellas.
Chris is thoughtful and wears his heart on his sleeve, aka charming when things go his way, but apologetic for his freak outs when it doesn’t.
Jef is fun, unique, and obviously too cool for Emily’s fun hating self.
Arie is exciting, full of sparkle, and sex appeal. Emily can’t keep her hands to herself.
Sean is …perfect. Which means he has a deep dark evil secret, because no-one is perfect.
Final four – maybe the best batch of final guys yet.

First family up to bat – Chris in Chicago
Emily and Chris sweep last week under the rug and dive right into Polish tradition which apparently means all sitting on one side of the table so a camera crew can film your interactions. But now we see where Chris gets his intimidation skills. I wouldn’t mess with that Polish dad wearing a gold chain –Chris gets a point because I don’t want his dad to kill me and bury me in a speakeasy
But Dad warms up and assures Emily Chris would make a loving husband and father. Mom tries to give Chris a pep talk – telling him to get out there and kick some arse. So Chris tells Emily he loves her, which unfortunately is never a good way to attempt saving a dying relationship. But let’s forget that for tonight and do what the Polish do – DANCE! oompa! doh that’s the Greeks.

Rounding second – Jef in St. George, Utah
Jef takes Emily to his families Utah ranch for some dune buggying and gun slinging. Where were these skills in the highland competition? Emily is liking this country side of Jef as her inner cowgoddess comes out as well. If she was getting points, I’d totally give her extras for nailing those pigeons. Looks like someone is comfortable holding a gun…
Last week Jef admitted he isn’t afraid to break-up with a girl his family doesn’t approve of, so Emily better turn on that charm. We meet Jef’s gaggle of brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, neighbors, 1st grade teachers, and milk man. No parents though. They are too busy giving money away in South Carolina.
Emily chats with big brother and gets some reassurance on the direction of Jef’s moral compass.
Then the sisters step in to make sure Jef isn’t going to get his heart broken and Emily answers all of their questions with flying colors.
They were way too easy on her if you ask me. Nothing to judge here. a pretty family on a pretty ranch in a pretty state. This date is sealed with a love note from Jef to his dearest Emily and unlike Ryan’s list – this list of qualities is purely Emily’s soul.
Well played. Jef gets an extra point because his date is the most fun.

sliding across third – Arie in Scottsdale
Arie heats up Emily’s heart by taking her for a ride around the racetrack in his Indy car. Queue “model in a 1/2 zipped race suit” walk.
oo Emily you are so hot. Aww thaank yooou.
Then Emily meet’s Arie’s family – Racecar Dad, foreign trophy wife mom, and a pair of hormone ridden teenage brothers.
Mom tries to pry some details out of Arie in Dutch – but Arie puts the kibosh so Mom has to actually ask Emily herself.
Gosh mom seems so nurturing, it is clear where Arie gets his easy going passionate personality? Mom’s advise for a successful marriage – marry a man that travels for work. While Emily gets marriage advise from Mom – “marry a man that travels for work”. Arie gets some sound advice from Dad – “don’t f up this race, you better be the one crossing this finish line.” Or something along those lines.
Arie loses a point because his parents are the least inviting, no grandparents of the year awards here.

flying past home – Sean in Texas
The welcome party – Sean and his daughters a Labrador and a Boxer . Who is the most adorable? tough call. Is Emily a dog person? I’m going to guess chewed up Jimmy Choos are not on her list of favorite things.
But Sean is.
He’s perfect, she’s perfect, so they’re perfect together, born to be forever, dancing through life (if you didn’t break out in song you clearly don’t have the wicked soundtrack in your 5 disc cd changer at all times).
Well, perfect besides the fact that 28yr old Sean still lives at home with his parents, and his teenage room is a disaster, Emily gags. Then finds out the gag is on her. She doesn’t laugh, but does she really laugh at anything?
Dad and Mom seem sweet and full of smiles. I think they are just excited at the prospect of Sean actually falling in love with a girl. I wouldn’t tell them to hold their breath – he is the one man who hasn’t told Emily he loves her, yet. He loses a point for being incapable of love. He will be top two for sure. Emily won’t let him go before she proves she can make him fall in love with her. Fundamentals.

Rose Ceremony
Emily gets a bit teary eyed over this decision that she has to make. It is no fun sending someone home after being welcomed into their family’s home with open arms. good to know she is keepin it real, but time to get to the nity gritty feelings she has for three remaining bachelors.
Arie gets a rose – looks like Mieke wasn’t quite scary enough. She should have spouted more Dutch profanities I guess.
Jef gets a rose cuz he is fun.
and the third and final rose goes too…..you guessed it ladies and gents – Mr. Perfect.
Aww Chris. It hurts. But you are 25 and a very handsome catch. The ladies will be lining the bar stools of Chicago just hoping to be the one to console you in your Egyptian cotton sheets at night.

Next week it is time to hit the white sandy beaches of paradise.
Looks like our leaders have lost a contestant with Chris out of the running. Look out – we may see some new leaders immerge over the next week or two.

Cheers!

Prague? …

Eeek so sorry I fail at a recap last week. I have an excuse – I bought a house.
But, here is a 5min note to get you excited for tonight!

As I recall last week in Prague! –

Arie gets a one on one date – they wander the streets of one of my favorite cities. It is so lovely.
Emily gets bitchy that Arie dated her producer a million years ago for like a day and forgot to mention it to her.
Arie and the producer apologize.
Emily is still in love with Arie
And bold moves – Arie tells her he is in LOVE! Extra points Arie!

John gets a one on one date to try and save himself because he is clearly in last place at the moment.
They have some fun moments but it clearly isn’t enough to save him.

Sean chases after Emily in the middle of the night to make out in an ally.
Then he gets a group date with Doug and Chris.
Chris is super duper grumpy that he is on a group date this week and makes no effort to hide it.
Doug continues to be super awkward when it comes to showing any passion towards Emily.
For all of those Muscles he sure isn’t acting like much of a Man. Emily agrees with me. She sends him home in the middle of the date.
Now it is down to Prince Charming Sean and Brooding Chris. The date continues to be awkward. Sean gets the rose because Emily feels like she is a bit further in their relationship. Chris freaks out.

Jef gets a one on one date. They buy some puppets and hang out in a library for the afternoon. It is actually pretty sweet. They have a great time. Emily clearly loves his boyish charms.

Rose ceremony. Chris is oober nervous he is going to get sent home because he was such a spazz on their date.
He pulls Emily aside and tells her how sorry he is he freaked out and that he just didn’t know how to control his emotions, because he is in love with her too! Extra points for Chris as this little chat saves him from going home!

Roses go to Arie, Jef, Sean, and Chris. John goes home.

Hometown dates next week!
I love this part. As now will we not only be able to judge the contestants unfairly – now we have their families to make snarky judgments about as well!

Cheers!

Romance in Croatia

Hi Boys and Girls,
Unfortunately my time is limited this week due to some vacation days so I must make this recap brief. Do forgive me.

We arrive in Croatia – which – who knew Croatia was a romantic place? I mean do you feel how Croatia sounds in your mouth? not very delicious. But guess we will keep an open mind.

One on One – Travis. Let’s look for love beyond the walls.
Emily and Travis wander the streets of Croatia as Emily again expounds upon things she knows nothing about.
They buy they eat they dance.
Emily sends Travis home due to a lack of “sparkle.”
Travis walks home as rainy tears of heartbreak fall on his head and down his cheeks.

Group Date Lasting Love Requires Bravery
John, Doug, Jef, Chris, Sean, Arie
The date starts with a private screening of the new Disney movie “Brave”
Can we guess what these guys are going to be doing today?
If you guessed prancing around in kilts tosing sticks and arrows you are correct! Welcome ladies and gents to the Highland games.

This may be my favorite date yet. Nothing sexier than a man in a kilt waltzing into battle.
Mmmm. Not kidding.
Lets pause, rewind, and re-watch these sexy biceps arrive!
They shoot some arrows, throw some logs, and play tug of warish.
Chris sucks. Sean does not. I guess we have answered the age old question – size does apparently matter.
But not to Emily – Chris gets the date rose for being the BRAVEST of them all.
Chris may have gotten the rose but Arie gets the sexiest “pushed against the wall” kiss we have seen this season. Try harder boys, it is going to take a while for Emily’s vaja to forget those butterflies. He definitely gets an extra point for this kiss.

First Second One on One Date goes to Ryan. She just couldn’t stay away from those Facial hair fangs. Do you think he paid someone to do that to his face? He should get his money back.
Ryan says some ridiculous things everyone laughs
He says some dense things Emily giggles
He says some douche things . Emily gags. Okay to be fair she gags because she tried to eat an oyster. I gag too.
He makes the mistake of writing down some of these obtuse things and Emily sends him home, not without a lack of attempted manipulation on Ryan’s part might I add. Gosh I am sure going to miss him. There were some pretty sweet quotes in here that I don’t have the capacity to list out at this time. I would suggest finding a transcript and pocketing a few of those gems for later.

Arie sneaks over to Em’s for some late night canoodling.

Roses for erbody
John and Doug are on the chopping block heading into tonight’s rose ceremony.
But John has been hiding an ace card in his wallet this whole time- the Virgin Mary.
Well the Virgin Mary on funeral cards for his grand parents. He gets a rose from Emily for opening up and an extra point from me for using the Virgin Mary to stay in the game on a reality tv dating show.

Doug is super awkward and loses a point because I hate awkward moments. then he cries. he loses two points. Lets stop pumping those biceps and focus on exercising that ego a few times a week can we?
But, he is still number one dad and he still gets a rose.

Everyone else is clearly still in the game, because Emily actually has feelings for them – everybody gets a rose.
Our top three contestants remain the same. But Amy is hot on their tails!

Next week we travel to one of my favorite cities – PRAGUE.
Guys – you better not F this one up. Too bad it looks like you do.

cheers.

Shakespeare and Roses

*Warning* – this recap is super lame sauce. I would not recommend reading it. But I know you are going to read it anyway because you think I am just being humble because you know how brilliant I normally am.
See not humble at all.
So stop reading

you fail.

This week is full of our Top Ten! Well really only top 3, because it is pretty clear Emily already has these decided- but we have to keep the other 7 around for the sake of ratings for the next 5 weeks.

One on One Date – Sean, Love Takes no Prisoners
We hop on a Double Decker Bus tour where Emily regurgitates an itinerary she is reading off of cue cards because neither of these southern bells have any actual knowledge of London history. (besides knowing where Prince Charles and Princess Diana were married, of course).
Emily and Sean take some cliché kissing pictures and immediately tweet them. Can you tweet pictures? I am not cool enough to be a tweeter.
Emily then tells Sean she is shocked that he is actually fun, because usually guys as good looking as he is – are boring. Can we take a minute for the irony here? Because as gorgeous as Emily is – she is as fun as a bag of rocks. Good thing Sean is fun – someone will have to keep up the energy on these dates.
Sean professes his feelings in speakers corner and then they proceed to dinner at the most romantic spot in the city – The Tower of London.
What is more romantic than torture and beheadings?
I know that really works up my appetite. I wouldn’t turn down one of those crown jewels though. Just sayin.
Back to Sean and Emily – He spouts about marriage, minivans full of kids, and everlasting love. He gets a rose.

Group Date – A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet (Give yourself a pat on the back if you know what this is from, because these well educated gentleman sure as hell didn’t know.)
Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, Kalon

But Kalon isn’t smelling the roses, he gets grumpy that he doesn’t get a one on one date and proceeds to show his frusterations in the worst way – snide comments about Emily’s ready made family.
His fate is pretty much sealed.

We arrive at Shakespears birthplace where the gentleman will audition for Emily’s love in scenes from Romeo and Juliet.
The boys awkwardly act their hearts out as Emily encouragingly? stands there and smiles.
Arie and Doug do such a great job they are assigned the role of the nurse while the others prep for their more manly roles as Romeo, Tybalt, or Mercutio.
Ryan gets excited about his romantically scripted first Kiss and takes full advantage. Emily sadly likes it.
Kalon – yet again pisses Emily off by being a total creep. Damn you Kalon, you are supposed to be charmingly arrogant – not assholy arrogant. You are doing me absolutely no favors being in my top 3.
Arie and Doug get the most laughs as Nurse Angelica- they get an extra point for not taking themselves too seriously.
By the end, the men have definitely earned themselves a beer – we head down to the pub for a chat.
Ryan gives Emily a turquoise necklace that he won out of a vending machine.
Kalon continues to insult Emily for being tired, sick, and suprise Kalon – she is still a mother. This sets #1 Dad off, he marches over to Emily and tells her what a slimy snake Kalon is. (yes I know snakes aren’t slimy, go with it anyway).
Mama grizzly bear is not happy, she raises up on her hind legs and kicks Kalon off the show with an F Bomb. Nice to see he first glimpse of an actual spirit come out of Emily (well, West Virgina hoodrat backwoods spirit that is). Sarah Palin would be proud.
Mama is clearly worn out and heads back to the den to be with her cub. No rose is handed out tonight.

One on One Date – Jef
Looks like Emily wasn’t feeling well enough to write Jef a whity date card.
Luckily she didn’t or he probably wouldn’t have shown up to his etiquette lesson over tea.
Emily may have thought she was a lady, but she can’t handle the heat that Miss Jean is spittin. They bail on etiquette class for some fish and chips at the pub. All I get out of this conversation with Jef is that Rickie is the equivalent of a set of vintage Louis Vuitton luggage.
They have dessert in the London eye where Emily is hoping to feel that Jef wants her more than dessert.
She settles for being besties and he gets a rose.

Loyalty and Roses
Emily pulls out her interrogation light and looks for some answers on where the rest of her grizzly pack was when she needed them.
She wants to know that there is some brawn standing behind her so her tiny frame is safe to talk all the backwoods smack talk she wants.
Looks like Arie needs to hit the gym.
Ryan takes a different route and tries to woo her with some shisty Shakespeare, unfortunately his meat and cheese tray wins her over yet again. But lets get real – you may kiss a guy like that, but you sure as hell don’t marry him.
Emily gives Sean the benefit of the doubt that he would have taken care of her he makes butterflies flutter in her heart.
Lets put those butterflies to work delivering some roses.
#1 Dad, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis, Arie
Alejandro doesn’t make the cut this week. Oh well – he knows he was lucky just to get to travel along on the ride this far.

Our top 4 leaders are holding strong while I fall from grace. Thanks a lot Kbag.
Next week we travel to Croatia with our 8 remaining bachelors looking for love, drama, and hopefully something a little more entertaining so my recaps won’t suck so bad. Looks like we might just end up with a lot Emily tears. eh. stay tuned.

Ryan’s Shiny Face

Note to self. Write these recaps on Monday night – by Wed night I am severely unmotivated. Don’t be offended. I promise I am still prioritizing your entertainment. (sort of).
My dog on the other hand could not care less – he is asleep on my feet – not caring.
While my dog dreams of his own mate, our group of gentleman prep themselves to vacate the mansion for good, beginning their journey around the world one love destination at a time. First stop – Barmuda!

One on One Date – Doug, Let our senses lead the way.
Doug gets fired up as the guys pick on him before his date. He tries to flex his muscles, but Arie aint scurrd.
Emily breaks up the tension and snags #1 dad for a date. They wander the island doing a little trinket shopping, chat about the charity he started, send Austin a postcard, make wishes under a stone circle of love, and eat a fancy dinner. Doug’s ability to mask his boredom plays to his favor, Emily now believes he is the perfect man She does her best to chip away at his facade to find a flaw – but comes up empty (with the exception of him being too great of a Dad). #1 Dad has diamond platted armor- He gets a rose.
But what we do learn is that Emily’s biggest flaw is leaving her house in her pajamas. HOW DARE SHE. Excuse me while I go clean out my drawer of “perfect for weekend errands” pajamas – otherwise known as “Business Professional” to those of you in TPN. (gotta love a good TPN dress code joke).

Group Date – Lets Set Sail on the Sea of Love
Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon
The guys breakup into two sailing teams. They will be racing to win more quality time with Emily that evening.
Yellow team: Jef, Ryan, Arie, Kalon
Red Team: Charlie, Sean, Travis, Chris

Red team breaks into an early lead. Brawn over Brains appears to be the magic formula here.
Sails are swinging, ropes are pulling, flags are flying, and the Yellow team sails into the lead. Working smarter not harder, the yellow team steals the win from the Red teams sweaty grip.

The poor pouty faces of the Red team break our hearts. Aww loves – don’t be sad, I’ll keep you all company.
Uho – Chawly, are those tears I see? you better hope not or that is 5 points deducted from your teams! I’ll just take 2 since I can’ t be for sure.

Time for Cawfee Tawlk with the yellow team.
Ryan dubs Emily his trophy wife because God designed her to be a beautiful woman. Just as long as she isn’t kissing Arie anymore.
Too bad, Arie snuggles some kisses from Emily on the beach
Jef still doesn’t make a move despite Emily’s encouragement – playing hard to get works for him yet again – another group date rose awarded. He feels “something they share together is really valuable; he is really beginning to fall for her” Don’t lie – we can tell you don’t really give a Sh$t.

Doug decides 25 year olds aren’t mature enough to be in love or parent children, yet he was a father at 21. Looks like math isn’t #1 dad’s forte. Or maybe he is just trying to find any way to secure his superiority over Chris. Sorry Douglas – those steal blue eyes win over your muddy facade any day.

Two on One Date – John and Nate Lets Explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.
Blah blah blah. Quinoa, blah blah blah. They both loose a point on behalf of GLUTENS.
Nate is extremly awkward and John is incredibly boring. John sucks less. He gets a rose.
Nate goes home. He cried and he annoyed me – he loses 2 points too.

Moisturizer and Roses
I get distracted by Ryan’s shiny face and have no idea what he says. I am sure it is profound, since he is meant for something bigger and all. Next Bachelor? Winning over America – one condescending statement about women at a time.
Arie fishes for compliments from Emily and receives them in abundance.
Sean works Ricki into his convo to win brownie points and a kiss
Chris flexes his man wings against #1 Dad’s agism.
And I get sleepy – so lets get on with these roses.
Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan (say wha?), Kalon, and Alejandro all receive roses.

Chawlie and Ponyboy head home with broken heart strings.
Our 4 leaders stay at the top of the board – despite my points slashing this week.
Next week – London!
Looks like Emily is going to be dropping some F bombs – who is making her London bridge fall down?
Stay tuned –

PS – A little treat for you on behalf of Kari. Enjoy. http://insidetv.ew.com/2012/06/04/the-bachelorette-alessandro-vampires-emily/

Week 3 – Cbags and Roses

Week 3 – We wake up to breakfast in Emily’s California King Bed perfect for 1 in Charlotte.

One on One Date – Chris – Love is a Steady Climb
Looks like Chris is going to have to work for his dinner on this date. Emily and Chris must ascend the restaurant wall to the rooftop deck where a rose awaits. I sure hope he passed the presidential rope climb in PE class. As they gracefully pull themselves into the sky – lighting begins to fill the night sky, Emily gets a bit nervous mid air and unfortunately lightning does not strike as the couple shares only a passionate high five at the top.

However, statistically speaking the first adrenaline date usually goes far – so Chris may not be a bad bet in this game. Especially since once again Emily complements him on his dashing good looks. He returns the favor by commenting on her harness. But bondage can only get you so far – Emily discovers Chris is a mere 25. Just a baby compared to the dinosaurs she usually dates. Emily climbs up on her high horse and begins to question Chris’ readiness to be a father. 25 is no 26 that is for sure.

Que to real dad – Tony on the phone with his son. – But Chris dodges this bullet and assures Emily that he is a capital M A N – MAN. His support for this statement – he left home to attend school at the young (typical?) age of 17. – Man.
It works – this old soul gets a rose and a serenade by Luke Bryant. Chris sure knows how to make Emily’s speakers go boom boom. He gets the first Kiss! And an extra 5 points for his team. Well done sir.

Group Date – Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony, Travis
Let’s Play
Emily brings her group of gentleman to a nearby park for a play date. The guys gear up for a game of football in the hopes to be the first to tackle Emily – but soon realize this isn’t the game they are here to play.
Hiding on the other side of the hill is a den of Cougars waiting to pounce. Emily has brought a group of girlfriends on the date to ask the hard hitting questions in hopes to weed out the unfit bachelors. I hope the bachelors layered on the speed stick today, because they are clearly sweatin bullets.

We run through the line of bachelors –
Tony still has a kid
Jef is still too cool
Doug is still number one Dad
Ryan can still do a lot of push-ups
Charlie is still using his boyish charm for sympathy
Travis is still the guy with the Egg
Wolf is still horrible at first impressions
Stevie is still a Jersey Shore wannabe

Aka We learn absolutely nothing new.
Until – SEAN comes out of the wood work glowing like a gift from god. He takes his shirt off, does some pushups, shares his faith, expounds upon his perfect upbringing, he is practically the lord savior himself. The cougars all but devour him on the spot. Looks like somebody just pulled up into the front of the line as new team favorite.

As if the den wasn’t punishment enough, the rest of the play date is spent with a herd of rowdy rug rats. Emily does realize that whoever she decides to pick – she will eventually have to be alone with them on a date right? First it is the crowds of adoring fans, then it is the muppets, now it is her Mommy group and a herd of children. Emily is leaving no stone un turned – she wants to make sure these guys can walk the walk when it comes to be being good with children.

Ryan opts out of play time for some girl talk. He should have kept his mouth shut because the only thing to come out of his mouth is a threat to Emily not to get fat after they get married or he will be going to another watering hole for his lovin. Excuse me say wha? I think we just found some fat she can trim.

All of this play time gives us a headache – Mama needs a cocktail. We do the round robins of chit chat. Only thing to note is that Sean had a poster childhood upbringing while Doug was stuck in foster families. No question Emily is a Republican because Poster Child > Foster Child. No child left behind except for Doug. Sean gets the Rose.

Oh yea and Tony cries a lot because he misses his son. Can we all agree on one thing? Unless it is your own child – no one gives a crap. This was the most boring 10 minutes of the episode tonight. Your kid is fine. He is playing batman. He doesn’t care where you are. Emily is bored too – she sends him home.

One on One Date – Arie – Love is a Wild Ride
Looks like we have traded in helicopters for private plans this season, nice change of pace. We arrive in Dollywood! Arie and Emily play some games, win some prizes, ride some roller coasters and then time for the big surprise- a love song written and performed by the country angel herself. DOLLY! Definitely wouldn’t have guessed Emily’s role model in life was Dolly Parton I mean besides the fact that Emily is a mere cup size away from being a Dolly impersonator.

Dolly takes a moment to find out just what exactly Emily is looking for in her man. And to our astonishment Emily blurts out something quite inspiring. She is looking for a man that she likes just as much as she loves. Gosh – there is hope for her finding love this season yet. Uh o- was that me turning sentimental?
Since Dolly and Emily aren’t going to start dating we turn back to Arie. Apparently Arie and his ex broke up because he wanted more kids – Music to Emily’s ears. She wants to make a baby with him right now. He gets a rose and a kiss.

Cockbags and Roses
Cbag #1 – Kalon gets the first conversation with Emily of the evening. And he immediately offends her by telling her to shut it so he can finish his already offensive sentence on not wanting to be a father to a child that doesn’t share his DNA. Kalon Kalon Kalon – Tall, dark, and condescending is not a great impression to give within 5 minutes especially when you didn’t get a date this week. You are supposed to be charming her not pissing her off. ugh.
Cbag #2 Travis gets tired of hauling the fat egg around so Emily sets it free all over the brick driveway. I hope he doesn’t slip and fall on his way home tonight.
Cbag #3 Alessandro – one question – what color are you? But seriously – you just told a single mother of one that you wholeheartedly believe a wife and a family is a compromise. Get the f out. Not a language barrier. (Literally Emily sends him home.)
Arie to the rescue with hugs and kisses.

Time for some roses. Kalon – you better hold your breath. I mean it – don’t say anything douchee again.
I think I might have a few names memorized this week.
Jef, Humpty Dumpty, Number 1 Dad, Pony Boy, Travis, CZ Studs, Ryan (but I’m not happy about it), Wolf, Kalon, and last but not least – whoever is less of a dbag than Jersey Shore.
Jersey shore, based on the novel Step Up by Sapphire leaves without a rose.

We have 4 players tied for 1st place after this week. Anna, Jen, Kelsey, and Shane.

Next week we travel to Bermuda! Bahamas come on pretty Mama lets make better choices when handing out these roses next week.

Cheers!
Bree

And We’re Back with Emily

Unfortunately my recap was deleted and has vanished into the internet oblivion. So in essence of time and lack of repeat creative genius – this recap will be a recap of my recap.

This season we have the privilege of watching Emily Maynard preserve the sanctity of marriage in North Carolina by dating 25 men (of the opposite sex of course) in her search to find her Third true love.

One on One Date
Our lucky bachelor winning the first date with Emily this season is Ryan.
I promise I am trying my very hardest not to pre judge his steroid ridden body. I am sure he will have a flowering personality.
The first date has to be fancy right? helicopter for sure. Nope way better then a helicopter – GROCERIES!
Ryan and Emily haul in groceries, bake some cookies, then stalk Rickie’s soccer team to get a dose of what it is really like to be a young single mother struggling to provide the 5,000sq ft roof over Rickie’s head.
After the errands are over Emily trades in her Mom Escalade and 7 for all Man Kind Jeans for an Aston Martin and Louboutins.
They share a romantic dinner where Ryan swoons Emily with his normalcy. He gets a rose and a very romantic dance for two upon a podium in the middle of a crowd of crazy women with their iphone cameras at a Gloriana concert. Gosh Emily sure knows how to roll out the red carpet – wait that’s just her walking on it.

Group Date.
A whole bunch of guys whose names we have yet to memorize get pimped out for sick children. I mean put on a variety show to raise money for one of Emily’s favorite charities. Charlie gets self conscious about his speech impediment (result of falling through a 2 story deck and having a hard time putting humpty back together again), Emily comforts him.
The bachelors try to crack a few horrible jokes. The Muppets swoop in to save them.
Jef proposes to Miss Piggy.
Stevie gets to show off his dancing skills in coat tails. Emily stand there and looks pretty.
They raise 20k – gosh who knew it was so easy.
After all that hard work it is time for a cocktail.
Young Gerard Butler look alike – Chris gets a little flattery from Emily.
Stevie gets an awkward grade school dance.
Kalon impresses with his eloquent prose and crisp white Shawl Cardi.
and Emily whines to Jef because he isn’t paying enough attention to her. He is probably just preoccupied looking for his lost “f”. It works – he gets a rose.

One on One Date
Our second and final date of the week goes to Joe.
Emily whisks Joe away on a private plane to her childhood memories at Kellerman’s resort where she reminiscences about fox trotting, carrying watermelons, and dirty dancing with Johnny Castle.
Note – never get an abortion from a Dr. with a dirty knife and a folding table.

At home Kalon gets busy offending everyone, but mostly #1 dad of 12yr old Ernest Hemingway – Doug. Men lounging by the pool just isn’t racy enough – gotta stir up the parenting drama. For those of you that flunked 7th grade English – we call this foreshadowing.

Back at Kellerman’s – we didn’t miss much. Joe and Emily fight for the title of most vacant expression while trying to seem interested in a conversation about a non-future.
They each write a love note to a clock. Joe’s note reads “I’m going to pretend to be sweet and interested by writing something about a future vacation with Emily and Rickie”. Emily’s says “I don’t believe you. You don’t get a rose.”

Cocktails and Roses
Arie tells Emily how much he missed her and some other nonsense. She just nods as she is hypnotized by his dreamy blue eyes.
Ryan gives Emily a 20 page love note. Emily reads it while Tony lurks like a third wheel vampire in the corner. He can’t come in until he is invited.
Kalon and Emily chat elegantly on a wicker swing. I can’t shake the familiarity of Christan Grey as I watch their interactions. If you haven’t yet read 50 shades of Grey and you have a vagina – stop reading this recap and download it on your kindle now.
I’ll wait.

While I wait Emily hands out her tray of roses – we haven’t memorized their names yet so this will be a fun game.
50 Sades, Dreamy Blue Eyes, Pony boy, not important, random favorite pick, Gerard Butler, Number 1 Dad, Ostrich egg, third wheel, white strips, spray tan, Humpty Dumpty, CZ stud, and Step Up 3 are our lucky rose winners.

Trendy glasses and someone who is so lamesauce I can’t even come up with a ridiculously judgmental nickname get sent home.

This week Tracy has taken the lead racking up 10 points already! But next week is anyone’s game as we begin to give out our first dose of extra points! I think I see that first kiss and some tears being shed!

Happy long weekend!

Chocolate and wee Red Knives

Hello Switzerland, nice to meet you.
We kick off this episode with a little montage of Ben’s current journey to find love.  We see snippets of real moments Ben has shared with these women throughout the process that make us for just a moment believe that Ben may actually have a shot at finding love, we see Nicki being care free and having fun even in the rain,  we get a glimpse into Lindzi’s easy going part country party city attitude, and then all hope we have for Ben is shattered when we come to Courtney’s fake crazy manipulative bulsht.
 
But let’s put the negativity aside for a moment and start the week with a fun loving romantic date with Nicki.
Ben and Nicki take an air car (I get tired of saying helicopter) to the top of the famous Alps mountain tops.  To be honest it looks a little snowy and cold. Not really my idea of a perfect date – but they seem to be enjoying themselves. 
Luckily they land on a non snowy mountain top to enjoy their first picnic of the season (more like their 30th picnic, but I’m sure it feels just as special to them as the 1st one did. Not really. but maybe.)  To celebrate this picnic they scream, letting their love echo through the valleys of the landscape.  Better hold onto each other tight – don’t want one of you to slip and plummet down the mountain face to your death – I feel like that would result in an anti climactic rose ceremony which just wouldn’t be fair to the rest of us. Luckily everyone lives to see dinner.  A romantic candle lit cabin is the perfect backdrop to get down to the serious and most important question not yet answered – How many kids does Ben want? Okay that was asked – but wasn’t the important question.  Important question – Will they forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy suite?!?!?!
With a resounding “eh, yea, okay” from them both, we make our way to the fantasy suite.  If Ben’s performance in anyway correlates to the candle quantity in this suite – I am sure it is going to be a magical night.  Well, as magical as a 1st of 3 overnight dates can be.
 
Let’s move on to Lindzi’s date to see what fear conquering date Ben as planned for her this time.
Oh – the date is repelling into a canyon? Great! Very creative.
They get in some repelling/relationship analogies and then sit on their asses as a team of guys pullies them down the rocks. 
Was sitting on that rope as you ride down the mountain really that scary? I’m confused. You didn’t even do anything! You literally sat on your ass for 5 minutes while someone else lowered you down on a rope. No harder than sitting on the commode (people should really use this word more often) which you do 5 times a day. dumb.
To relax their muscles from all of that hard work they just did – they hop into a hot tub for some canoodiling. But hey, if there was ever a hot tub to canoodle in – one with a view of the Swiss Alps is definitely one I would choose. Sure beats out that backyard softside with the Smirnoff ice in hand at the cool high school boy’s house when his parents are gone for the weekend.  Oh don’t act like it didn’t happen. We all know that diary page got you in trouble. 
We move from the hot tub to a fancy dinner at a tiny little table set all by itself in a big room surrounded by camera men and boom mics. But don’t worry, there are two big plants in front of the table – so that makes it cozy. Cozy enough for Lindzi to tell Ben she hopes for a proposal at the end of the process which gets her an invite for a sleep over. But Lindzi wants to make it clear that she isn’t just some floozy that stays over with boys, so she tells Ben she isn’t just some floozy that sleeps over with boys before she accepts the invite to be a floozy that sleeps over.  We see some making out amongst the 100’s of pillows on the bed – and then the door is shut in our faces.
But, I’m sure nothing happened as Lindzi isn’t a floozy that just sleeps over with boys.
 
Last date for the week – ANTM.  And I am sure it is going to be a very special overnight since this will be Ben and Courtney’s first night together. (well second, okay maybe third, but special none the less?).
Ben and Courtney take a romantic train ride, gazing at the beautiful landscapes as they travel to an adorable little Swiss village where all fairy tales are born.  They shop their way through the village picking up little treats (for their picnic) here and there chasing goats and garden gnomes.  What an adorable and perfect little couple they make don’t they? Gosh I hope she wins.
They have a little chit chat and for the first time Ben shows a normal reaction to the ridiculousness that has been ANTM  this season.  ANTM has a little dialog with the camera in which she puts her acting skills to work, forcing out some tears and remorse for her actions. She brings this up with Ben at dinner, sharing her regret and apologies (?) with Ben, seeming to ease his concerns.  In return Ben shares his fantasy card with ANTM.   They kiss, make up, and snuggle into the smallest hot tub ever built by gnomes.  Ben is in heaven.
 
After these three magical fantasy dates Ben has a lot to think about before tonight’s rose ceremony.  But before he can sort out his thoughts, Kacie B stops by to get some answers. Ben politely tells Kacie her family was bat shiz crazy and he couldn’t in a million  years see himself with them as in-laws.  At least now Kacie can place the blame on her parents instead of herself. Everyone loves a good blame displacer.  After the poodle gets her answers she doesn’t leave without letting a little bark about ANTM slip her tongue. Ben shows Kacie to the door (again) without a goodbye so he can think.  The poodle can’t handle it and collapses for a spell on the hotel carpet.  I hope she left whatever feelings she had for Ben on that musty hotel carpet she was laying on – because he is not worth the heartache she looks like she is feeling.  But the question is – will Ben heed his trusty companion’s advice about the crazy?
 
Of course not, what kind of drama would that leave for the finale?  ANTM and Lindzi get the roses and the chance to be Mrs. Ben F.
But first, we get to hear all the juicy dirty little dets from the ladies next week on “the women tell all”.  Look out for all those claws Chris Harrison – the fur will be flyin. Rehr.
 
Nicki knocked a lot of you out of the competition this week, but you still get an extra 5pts for having her in your top 3 and if you were lucky enough to have her in third place – you get an additional 10pts added to your score! With Nicki in her number 3 slot – Celeste rockets to the top of the leader board with 93 pts!

Cheers!

Survival Instincts

What the F@#K Happened?

 

What the F@#K happened to my recap?

I apologize for being such a letdown, but last week was just so underwhelming I just could not get motivated to write this recap.

 

What the F@#K happened last week?

Nothing. But I will try and compose a short and sweet recap for you regardless..

 

What the F@#K happened in Lindzi’s hometown?

They had the 1,000 picnic lunch since the season started.

They rode some horses. Strike that. They raced Lindzi’s parents on a carriage contraption pulled by a horse.  The old folks win.

Lindzi’s Dad loves Ben and welcomes him into the family. (seems a bit premature.) But it is clearly meant to be because Lindzi’s parents were married in the townhall that Ben and Lindzi had their first date. Which I am sure was in no way planned by the ABC producers.

Ben leaves feeling great about Lindzi and the future in-laws

 

What the F@#K happened in Kacie’s hometown?

What the F@#K is that sound?

Ben is welcomed by 76 trombones, 110 cornets, 1,000 reeds, a copper bottom tympani, double bell euphoniums, a big bassoon, fifty mounted cannon in the battery, clarinets of every size, trumpeters who would improvise, and 1 ridiculous looking poodle with a baton.   

They have the 1,001 picnic of the season. This one in the rain.

 

Who the F@#K  are these people?

Then we meet Kacie’s crazy family.

• A parole officer Dad that doesn’t drink (don’t trust someone that doesn’t drink).
• A “if my children are with me 100% of the time there is no way they can get knocked up or do drugs” Mom.
• And a Sister that is clearly sleeping with ½ the football team. (I made that up. They didn’t announce that on national television.)

 

What the F@#K did Kacie’s parent say to make Ben run for the hills?

• Mom tells Ben she wouldn’t allow them to live together before they are married.
• Dad doesn’t think a marriage would be a prayerful or careful decision and refuses to give Ben permission to marry his daughter.

This family clearly wins the craziest family deduction of -5pts.

 

What the F@#K happened in Nicki’s hometown?

We learn that Ben loves everything texas. What isn’t better about everything bigger?

What the F@#K is Ben wearing?

Ben and Nicki go shopping and buy ridiculous boots, hats, and belt buckles. Ben looks sexyishnotreally.

Then we meet Nicki’s fun little family.

Fun loving, just wants his daughter to be happy dad.

Quirky just doing what is best for herself Mom

Wondering how to get 25 girls to date you at the same time younger brother.

 

Who the F@#K’s fault is it Nicki’s previous marriage failed?

Nicki’s dad takes the blame for allowing Nicki to marry her ex husband, but promises to do a better job by being prayerful and careful about giving Ben permission to ask her next.

 

What the F@#K did Nicki just say?

Nicki tells Ben that she is in love with him and loses -5pts for her team. Because I’m sorry to tell her, but what she is feeling isn’t love, it is survival instinct.  

 

What the F@#K happened in Courtney’s hometown?

Who the F@#K talks like that?

We meet Courtney’s family and immediately figure out where Courtney gets her “charm”. Her mother looks and sounds just like her. There you go Ben – that is what you have to look forward to.

Will this F@#King work out?

Courtney’s dad reminds us only 50% of marriages work out. But don’t worry – I think the odds are in your favor when you meet your mate on a reality TV show.

So Courtney and Ben get hitched at her favorite photo shoot I mean wedding site.  Ben recites some pretty touching vows. And ANTM recites some selfish banter.

 

Who the F@#K gets the rose?

In a surprising yet understandable turn of events. The Crazy that is Kacie’s parents wins out over Ben’s love for her and he sends her packing – no rose in hand.

We are left with Lindzi, Nicki, and Courtney and 1 unforgettable quote (the only memorable portion of this episode) from Kacie as she pulls away in the limo.  WHAT THE F@#K  HAPPENED? 

 

The point deductions and the exit of Kacie B took a hit on some of your team scores this week.

We have a little bit of a shift on the leader board with Pri and Kindy in 1^st place.  But the competition isn’t over until Courtney breaks Ben’s heart.

Stay tuned for overnight dates in Switzerland next week!

Cheers!

Bachelor Bazinga!

This week we have traveled to the exotic lands of Belize!

We are down to 6 women. Time to get serious about making connections and decisions as next week will be home town dates.

 

They have fancier boats in Belize than they do in Panama. We travel by speedboat across crystal blue water to a beautiful beach house where we receive a lecture from Chris Harrison and a date card.

 

1 on 1 – Lindzi, Two Halves Make a Whole

Lindzi and Ben take a (cut and paste from every other recap) helicopter ride over teal blue water to a deep blue hole in the ocean floor. Really beautiful and kind of creepy. It is Ben’s plan to jump from the helicopter into this deep blue hole, once again trying to make a love connection by curing Lindzi’s fear of heights. 

 

Why is it people think to overcome the fear of heights a person just needs more exposure and should be thrust into situations in which they are forced to face this fear?  We don’t do this with any other fear.  You don’t throw a kid who is afraid of the dark into a dungeon. You give them a night light.  You don’t put a person afraid of snakes or spiders into a pit of snakes and spiders, you kill the spider living in the bathroom for them. You don’t lock a person who is afraid of fire into a burning building, you teach them to stop drop and roll. But logically – of course a person who is afraid of heights can overcome it if we just force them to jump out of a helicopter into a hole in the ocean. Brilliant!

Lindzi overcame her fears, jumped into the abyss, and was rewarded with a kiss from Ben. Worth it?

 

They swim around for awhile to work up an appetite for dinner.  For dinner they arrive at a candle lit pier for a romantic dinner picnic.  I wonder, what is the candle budget for this show? And who’s job is it to go around lighting all of these candles?  The poor guy runs around lighting all of these candles and then the wind picks up and blows half of them out and he has to run around to light them all again. I hope he gets paid a lot. Do you know why he should get paid a lot? Because he is single handedly creating the flame of love.  It works, Lindzi thinks she is falling in love with Ben.  Ben pulls out an art project to create a message in a bottle.  They compose their own personal fairy tale (they should have hired me. Their fairy tale was kind of lame) on one side, promising to be true and open and honest always, at least until the end of this show.  Then they draw a picture of fear concurers on the back.  They drop it in the ocean and watch it float away, much like how they will someday watch their love float away when Ben proposes to ANTM.

 

1 on 1 – Emily, Do you Belize in Love?

First good thing to come out of this date – it makes Courtney want to kill herself. (That was mean. I take it back. Not really.)

Emily meets Ben in the bustling town of Cay Caulker. They take a bike ride down the dirt roads, tasting local coconut milk, playing a little street ball, and shopping the markets. Emily’s smile pays for a ride to go lobster catching for a fresh off the sea floor dinner, which apparently isn’t as easy as it sounds. Lobsters are quick little guys in the water. But not too quick for Ben, he mans up and catches dinner for his lady friend.

While the lobsters magically cook themselves, Emily and Ben do a little dancing.  The lobster than appears on a picnic table and Emily and Ben sit down to talk more about ANTM, I mean eat dinner and get to know each other better.  Emily officially invites Ben to come home and meet her family, Ben returns the sentiment with a toast to Emily being smart and beautiful, but mostly just smart.

 

1 on 1 –  Courtney, Let’s Take the Next Steps in Our Relationship

ANTM is pleased as punch to get the one on one.  Kacie shows a little personality and finally gets fired up about ANTM’s comments. I hope we see more possessive poodle tonight. She is way more fun.

Courtney flies in a little puddle jumper to meet Ben in Lamanai, Belize to find their lost sparkle.

It appears their sparkle is at the top of a sacrificial Mayan temple deep inside the jungles of Belize. The obvious place for sparkle to hide.

As they ascend the temple steps, ANTM  gets serious about her doubts, sharing her concerns with Ben. But Ben is quick to reassure her of his feelings, coaxing her to the top of the temple, where they sneak up and capture their lost spark. All is right in Lustland once again. Ben can now see his past, present, and future; he thinks he has found what he is looking for in a wife in ANTM: edginess, weirdness, (and selfish, crazy, manipulative, bitchy, slutty, ANTMness?)  Soulmates.

 

One itsy bitsy roadblock – Ben fears being with a woman who he likes that ultimately, people don’t.  I’ll let you decide if you think people like ANTM or not.

 

Group Date – Nicki, Rachel, Kacie, Let’s Sea Who’s Family I will Meet

Ben sneaks into the house and wakes the women up at 4am for their date.  The women rush to get ready and arrive on the beach as the sun comes up.  They hop into a catamaran, pour some breakfast champagne, and prepare to dive with a few sharks.  Ben once again feels the need to single handedly concur the fears of his girlfriends.  Rachel is scared shizless of this date activity. But no worries Rachel, Ben’s words of advice – just punch them in the nose. I bet I know who she wants to punch in the nose right about now.  Kacie and Nicki jump right in. Rachel freaks out. Ben pushes her in. Ben and Rachel float away hand in hand. The wet poodle gets jealous.

Each of the ladies get a little chat time with Ben to tell him how normal they are.  Nicki gets a little more face time (let’s be honest, no one was looking at her face) on the camera blogs this episode.  Rachel raspy talks about something I didn’t pay attention to, and Kacie pulls out the big guns and tells Ben she is falling in love with him! She gets a rose. Which is better than a “thank you” at least. 

 

Rose Ceremony

ANTM isn’t too concerned as Ben isn’t the only guy in the world.  She decides to focus on her pina coloda umbrella and the only cherry she has left, while the other women shoot daggers at her from their eyes. 

Ben is ready to hand out some home town dates. Ready right after he pulls ANTM aside for a chat, due to some concerns voiced from the other sister wives. Nothing revolutionary really happens in this conversation, but somehow Ben has made a decision.

First rose goes to Nicki (‘s boobs). 2^nd rose goes to Lindzi, and the 3^rd and final rose goes to ANTM. Ba Zinga!

 

Rachel raspy cries, then goes home. Emily writes a dissertation then goes home.

 

Next week – Only 4 women left and you don’t want to miss it!  It is the best week of the season. It is the week that we get to judge not only each of the girl friends. But we get to judge their crazy families as well!

 

We have a lot of people still in the competition as we round our way into the home stretch.  We now have a 3 way tie for first between Heather, Pri, and Kindy.  Who will fight their way to victory? Stay tuned!

 

Cheers!