Week 3 – Cbags and Roses

Week 3 – We wake up to breakfast in Emily’s California King Bed perfect for 1 in Charlotte.

One on One Date – Chris – Love is a Steady Climb
Looks like Chris is going to have to work for his dinner on this date. Emily and Chris must ascend the restaurant wall to the rooftop deck where a rose awaits. I sure hope he passed the presidential rope climb in PE class. As they gracefully pull themselves into the sky – lighting begins to fill the night sky, Emily gets a bit nervous mid air and unfortunately lightning does not strike as the couple shares only a passionate high five at the top.

However, statistically speaking the first adrenaline date usually goes far – so Chris may not be a bad bet in this game. Especially since once again Emily complements him on his dashing good looks. He returns the favor by commenting on her harness. But bondage can only get you so far – Emily discovers Chris is a mere 25. Just a baby compared to the dinosaurs she usually dates. Emily climbs up on her high horse and begins to question Chris’ readiness to be a father. 25 is no 26 that is for sure.

Que to real dad – Tony on the phone with his son. – But Chris dodges this bullet and assures Emily that he is a capital M A N – MAN. His support for this statement – he left home to attend school at the young (typical?) age of 17. – Man.
It works – this old soul gets a rose and a serenade by Luke Bryant. Chris sure knows how to make Emily’s speakers go boom boom. He gets the first Kiss! And an extra 5 points for his team. Well done sir.

Group Date – Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony, Travis
Let’s Play
Emily brings her group of gentleman to a nearby park for a play date. The guys gear up for a game of football in the hopes to be the first to tackle Emily – but soon realize this isn’t the game they are here to play.
Hiding on the other side of the hill is a den of Cougars waiting to pounce. Emily has brought a group of girlfriends on the date to ask the hard hitting questions in hopes to weed out the unfit bachelors. I hope the bachelors layered on the speed stick today, because they are clearly sweatin bullets.

We run through the line of bachelors –
Tony still has a kid
Jef is still too cool
Doug is still number one Dad
Ryan can still do a lot of push-ups
Charlie is still using his boyish charm for sympathy
Travis is still the guy with the Egg
Wolf is still horrible at first impressions
Stevie is still a Jersey Shore wannabe

Aka We learn absolutely nothing new.
Until – SEAN comes out of the wood work glowing like a gift from god. He takes his shirt off, does some pushups, shares his faith, expounds upon his perfect upbringing, he is practically the lord savior himself. The cougars all but devour him on the spot. Looks like somebody just pulled up into the front of the line as new team favorite.

As if the den wasn’t punishment enough, the rest of the play date is spent with a herd of rowdy rug rats. Emily does realize that whoever she decides to pick – she will eventually have to be alone with them on a date right? First it is the crowds of adoring fans, then it is the muppets, now it is her Mommy group and a herd of children. Emily is leaving no stone un turned – she wants to make sure these guys can walk the walk when it comes to be being good with children.

Ryan opts out of play time for some girl talk. He should have kept his mouth shut because the only thing to come out of his mouth is a threat to Emily not to get fat after they get married or he will be going to another watering hole for his lovin. Excuse me say wha? I think we just found some fat she can trim.

All of this play time gives us a headache – Mama needs a cocktail. We do the round robins of chit chat. Only thing to note is that Sean had a poster childhood upbringing while Doug was stuck in foster families. No question Emily is a Republican because Poster Child > Foster Child. No child left behind except for Doug. Sean gets the Rose.

Oh yea and Tony cries a lot because he misses his son. Can we all agree on one thing? Unless it is your own child – no one gives a crap. This was the most boring 10 minutes of the episode tonight. Your kid is fine. He is playing batman. He doesn’t care where you are. Emily is bored too – she sends him home.

One on One Date – Arie – Love is a Wild Ride
Looks like we have traded in helicopters for private plans this season, nice change of pace. We arrive in Dollywood! Arie and Emily play some games, win some prizes, ride some roller coasters and then time for the big surprise- a love song written and performed by the country angel herself. DOLLY! Definitely wouldn’t have guessed Emily’s role model in life was Dolly Parton I mean besides the fact that Emily is a mere cup size away from being a Dolly impersonator.

Dolly takes a moment to find out just what exactly Emily is looking for in her man. And to our astonishment Emily blurts out something quite inspiring. She is looking for a man that she likes just as much as she loves. Gosh – there is hope for her finding love this season yet. Uh o- was that me turning sentimental?
Since Dolly and Emily aren’t going to start dating we turn back to Arie. Apparently Arie and his ex broke up because he wanted more kids – Music to Emily’s ears. She wants to make a baby with him right now. He gets a rose and a kiss.

Cockbags and Roses
Cbag #1 – Kalon gets the first conversation with Emily of the evening. And he immediately offends her by telling her to shut it so he can finish his already offensive sentence on not wanting to be a father to a child that doesn’t share his DNA. Kalon Kalon Kalon – Tall, dark, and condescending is not a great impression to give within 5 minutes especially when you didn’t get a date this week. You are supposed to be charming her not pissing her off. ugh.
Cbag #2 Travis gets tired of hauling the fat egg around so Emily sets it free all over the brick driveway. I hope he doesn’t slip and fall on his way home tonight.
Cbag #3 Alessandro – one question – what color are you? But seriously – you just told a single mother of one that you wholeheartedly believe a wife and a family is a compromise. Get the f out. Not a language barrier. (Literally Emily sends him home.)
Arie to the rescue with hugs and kisses.

Time for some roses. Kalon – you better hold your breath. I mean it – don’t say anything douchee again.
I think I might have a few names memorized this week.
Jef, Humpty Dumpty, Number 1 Dad, Pony Boy, Travis, CZ Studs, Ryan (but I’m not happy about it), Wolf, Kalon, and last but not least – whoever is less of a dbag than Jersey Shore.
Jersey shore, based on the novel Step Up by Sapphire leaves without a rose.

We have 4 players tied for 1st place after this week. Anna, Jen, Kelsey, and Shane.

Next week we travel to Bermuda! Bahamas come on pretty Mama lets make better choices when handing out these roses next week.

Cheers!
Bree

And We’re Back with Emily

Unfortunately my recap was deleted and has vanished into the internet oblivion. So in essence of time and lack of repeat creative genius – this recap will be a recap of my recap.

This season we have the privilege of watching Emily Maynard preserve the sanctity of marriage in North Carolina by dating 25 men (of the opposite sex of course) in her search to find her Third true love.

One on One Date
Our lucky bachelor winning the first date with Emily this season is Ryan.
I promise I am trying my very hardest not to pre judge his steroid ridden body. I am sure he will have a flowering personality.
The first date has to be fancy right? helicopter for sure. Nope way better then a helicopter – GROCERIES!
Ryan and Emily haul in groceries, bake some cookies, then stalk Rickie’s soccer team to get a dose of what it is really like to be a young single mother struggling to provide the 5,000sq ft roof over Rickie’s head.
After the errands are over Emily trades in her Mom Escalade and 7 for all Man Kind Jeans for an Aston Martin and Louboutins.
They share a romantic dinner where Ryan swoons Emily with his normalcy. He gets a rose and a very romantic dance for two upon a podium in the middle of a crowd of crazy women with their iphone cameras at a Gloriana concert. Gosh Emily sure knows how to roll out the red carpet – wait that’s just her walking on it.

Group Date.
A whole bunch of guys whose names we have yet to memorize get pimped out for sick children. I mean put on a variety show to raise money for one of Emily’s favorite charities. Charlie gets self conscious about his speech impediment (result of falling through a 2 story deck and having a hard time putting humpty back together again), Emily comforts him.
The bachelors try to crack a few horrible jokes. The Muppets swoop in to save them.
Jef proposes to Miss Piggy.
Stevie gets to show off his dancing skills in coat tails. Emily stand there and looks pretty.
They raise 20k – gosh who knew it was so easy.
After all that hard work it is time for a cocktail.
Young Gerard Butler look alike – Chris gets a little flattery from Emily.
Stevie gets an awkward grade school dance.
Kalon impresses with his eloquent prose and crisp white Shawl Cardi.
and Emily whines to Jef because he isn’t paying enough attention to her. He is probably just preoccupied looking for his lost “f”. It works – he gets a rose.

One on One Date
Our second and final date of the week goes to Joe.
Emily whisks Joe away on a private plane to her childhood memories at Kellerman’s resort where she reminiscences about fox trotting, carrying watermelons, and dirty dancing with Johnny Castle.
Note – never get an abortion from a Dr. with a dirty knife and a folding table.

At home Kalon gets busy offending everyone, but mostly #1 dad of 12yr old Ernest Hemingway – Doug. Men lounging by the pool just isn’t racy enough – gotta stir up the parenting drama. For those of you that flunked 7th grade English – we call this foreshadowing.

Back at Kellerman’s – we didn’t miss much. Joe and Emily fight for the title of most vacant expression while trying to seem interested in a conversation about a non-future.
They each write a love note to a clock. Joe’s note reads “I’m going to pretend to be sweet and interested by writing something about a future vacation with Emily and Rickie”. Emily’s says “I don’t believe you. You don’t get a rose.”

Cocktails and Roses
Arie tells Emily how much he missed her and some other nonsense. She just nods as she is hypnotized by his dreamy blue eyes.
Ryan gives Emily a 20 page love note. Emily reads it while Tony lurks like a third wheel vampire in the corner. He can’t come in until he is invited.
Kalon and Emily chat elegantly on a wicker swing. I can’t shake the familiarity of Christan Grey as I watch their interactions. If you haven’t yet read 50 shades of Grey and you have a vagina – stop reading this recap and download it on your kindle now.
I’ll wait.

While I wait Emily hands out her tray of roses – we haven’t memorized their names yet so this will be a fun game.
50 Sades, Dreamy Blue Eyes, Pony boy, not important, random favorite pick, Gerard Butler, Number 1 Dad, Ostrich egg, third wheel, white strips, spray tan, Humpty Dumpty, CZ stud, and Step Up 3 are our lucky rose winners.

Trendy glasses and someone who is so lamesauce I can’t even come up with a ridiculously judgmental nickname get sent home.

This week Tracy has taken the lead racking up 10 points already! But next week is anyone’s game as we begin to give out our first dose of extra points! I think I see that first kiss and some tears being shed!

Happy long weekend!