Unfortunately my recap was deleted and has vanished into the internet oblivion. So in essence of time and lack of repeat creative genius – this recap will be a recap of my recap.
This season we have the privilege of watching Emily Maynard preserve the sanctity of marriage in North Carolina by dating 25 men (of the opposite sex of course) in her search to find her Third true love.
One on One Date
Our lucky bachelor winning the first date with Emily this season is Ryan.
I promise I am trying my very hardest not to pre judge his steroid ridden body. I am sure he will have a flowering personality.
The first date has to be fancy right? helicopter for sure. Nope way better then a helicopter – GROCERIES!
Ryan and Emily haul in groceries, bake some cookies, then stalk Rickie’s soccer team to get a dose of what it is really like to be a young single mother struggling to provide the 5,000sq ft roof over Rickie’s head.
After the errands are over Emily trades in her Mom Escalade and 7 for all Man Kind Jeans for an Aston Martin and Louboutins.
They share a romantic dinner where Ryan swoons Emily with his normalcy. He gets a rose and a very romantic dance for two upon a podium in the middle of a crowd of crazy women with their iphone cameras at a Gloriana concert. Gosh Emily sure knows how to roll out the red carpet – wait that’s just her walking on it.
Group Date.
A whole bunch of guys whose names we have yet to memorize get pimped out for sick children. I mean put on a variety show to raise money for one of Emily’s favorite charities. Charlie gets self conscious about his speech impediment (result of falling through a 2 story deck and having a hard time putting humpty back together again), Emily comforts him.
The bachelors try to crack a few horrible jokes. The Muppets swoop in to save them.
Jef proposes to Miss Piggy.
Stevie gets to show off his dancing skills in coat tails. Emily stand there and looks pretty.
They raise 20k – gosh who knew it was so easy.
After all that hard work it is time for a cocktail.
Young Gerard Butler look alike – Chris gets a little flattery from Emily.
Stevie gets an awkward grade school dance.
Kalon impresses with his eloquent prose and crisp white Shawl Cardi.
and Emily whines to Jef because he isn’t paying enough attention to her. He is probably just preoccupied looking for his lost “f”. It works – he gets a rose.
One on One Date
Our second and final date of the week goes to Joe.
Emily whisks Joe away on a private plane to her childhood memories at Kellerman’s resort where she reminiscences about fox trotting, carrying watermelons, and dirty dancing with Johnny Castle.
Note – never get an abortion from a Dr. with a dirty knife and a folding table.
At home Kalon gets busy offending everyone, but mostly #1 dad of 12yr old Ernest Hemingway – Doug. Men lounging by the pool just isn’t racy enough – gotta stir up the parenting drama. For those of you that flunked 7th grade English – we call this foreshadowing.
Back at Kellerman’s – we didn’t miss much. Joe and Emily fight for the title of most vacant expression while trying to seem interested in a conversation about a non-future.
They each write a love note to a clock. Joe’s note reads “I’m going to pretend to be sweet and interested by writing something about a future vacation with Emily and Rickie”. Emily’s says “I don’t believe you. You don’t get a rose.”
Cocktails and Roses
Arie tells Emily how much he missed her and some other nonsense. She just nods as she is hypnotized by his dreamy blue eyes.
Ryan gives Emily a 20 page love note. Emily reads it while Tony lurks like a third wheel vampire in the corner. He can’t come in until he is invited.
Kalon and Emily chat elegantly on a wicker swing. I can’t shake the familiarity of Christan Grey as I watch their interactions. If you haven’t yet read 50 shades of Grey and you have a vagina – stop reading this recap and download it on your kindle now.
I’ll wait.
While I wait Emily hands out her tray of roses – we haven’t memorized their names yet so this will be a fun game.
50 Sades, Dreamy Blue Eyes, Pony boy, not important, random favorite pick, Gerard Butler, Number 1 Dad, Ostrich egg, third wheel, white strips, spray tan, Humpty Dumpty, CZ stud, and Step Up 3 are our lucky rose winners.
Trendy glasses and someone who is so lamesauce I can’t even come up with a ridiculously judgmental nickname get sent home.
This week Tracy has taken the lead racking up 10 points already! But next week is anyone’s game as we begin to give out our first dose of extra points! I think I see that first kiss and some tears being shed!
Happy long weekend!
Manufactured Drama 
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