Romance in Croatia

Hi Boys and Girls,
Unfortunately my time is limited this week due to some vacation days so I must make this recap brief. Do forgive me.

We arrive in Croatia – which – who knew Croatia was a romantic place? I mean do you feel how Croatia sounds in your mouth? not very delicious. But guess we will keep an open mind.

One on One – Travis. Let’s look for love beyond the walls.
Emily and Travis wander the streets of Croatia as Emily again expounds upon things she knows nothing about.
They buy they eat they dance.
Emily sends Travis home due to a lack of “sparkle.”
Travis walks home as rainy tears of heartbreak fall on his head and down his cheeks.

Group Date Lasting Love Requires Bravery
John, Doug, Jef, Chris, Sean, Arie
The date starts with a private screening of the new Disney movie “Brave”
Can we guess what these guys are going to be doing today?
If you guessed prancing around in kilts tosing sticks and arrows you are correct! Welcome ladies and gents to the Highland games.

This may be my favorite date yet. Nothing sexier than a man in a kilt waltzing into battle.
Mmmm. Not kidding.
Lets pause, rewind, and re-watch these sexy biceps arrive!
They shoot some arrows, throw some logs, and play tug of warish.
Chris sucks. Sean does not. I guess we have answered the age old question – size does apparently matter.
But not to Emily – Chris gets the date rose for being the BRAVEST of them all.
Chris may have gotten the rose but Arie gets the sexiest “pushed against the wall” kiss we have seen this season. Try harder boys, it is going to take a while for Emily’s vaja to forget those butterflies. He definitely gets an extra point for this kiss.

First Second One on One Date goes to Ryan. She just couldn’t stay away from those Facial hair fangs. Do you think he paid someone to do that to his face? He should get his money back.
Ryan says some ridiculous things everyone laughs
He says some dense things Emily giggles
He says some douche things . Emily gags. Okay to be fair she gags because she tried to eat an oyster. I gag too.
He makes the mistake of writing down some of these obtuse things and Emily sends him home, not without a lack of attempted manipulation on Ryan’s part might I add. Gosh I am sure going to miss him. There were some pretty sweet quotes in here that I don’t have the capacity to list out at this time. I would suggest finding a transcript and pocketing a few of those gems for later.

Arie sneaks over to Em’s for some late night canoodling.

Roses for erbody
John and Doug are on the chopping block heading into tonight’s rose ceremony.
But John has been hiding an ace card in his wallet this whole time- the Virgin Mary.
Well the Virgin Mary on funeral cards for his grand parents. He gets a rose from Emily for opening up and an extra point from me for using the Virgin Mary to stay in the game on a reality tv dating show.

Doug is super awkward and loses a point because I hate awkward moments. then he cries. he loses two points. Lets stop pumping those biceps and focus on exercising that ego a few times a week can we?
But, he is still number one dad and he still gets a rose.

Everyone else is clearly still in the game, because Emily actually has feelings for them – everybody gets a rose.
Our top three contestants remain the same. But Amy is hot on their tails!

Next week we travel to one of my favorite cities – PRAGUE.
Guys – you better not F this one up. Too bad it looks like you do.

cheers.

Shakespeare and Roses

*Warning* – this recap is super lame sauce. I would not recommend reading it. But I know you are going to read it anyway because you think I am just being humble because you know how brilliant I normally am.
See not humble at all.
So stop reading

you fail.

This week is full of our Top Ten! Well really only top 3, because it is pretty clear Emily already has these decided- but we have to keep the other 7 around for the sake of ratings for the next 5 weeks.

One on One Date – Sean, Love Takes no Prisoners
We hop on a Double Decker Bus tour where Emily regurgitates an itinerary she is reading off of cue cards because neither of these southern bells have any actual knowledge of London history. (besides knowing where Prince Charles and Princess Diana were married, of course).
Emily and Sean take some cliché kissing pictures and immediately tweet them. Can you tweet pictures? I am not cool enough to be a tweeter.
Emily then tells Sean she is shocked that he is actually fun, because usually guys as good looking as he is – are boring. Can we take a minute for the irony here? Because as gorgeous as Emily is – she is as fun as a bag of rocks. Good thing Sean is fun – someone will have to keep up the energy on these dates.
Sean professes his feelings in speakers corner and then they proceed to dinner at the most romantic spot in the city – The Tower of London.
What is more romantic than torture and beheadings?
I know that really works up my appetite. I wouldn’t turn down one of those crown jewels though. Just sayin.
Back to Sean and Emily – He spouts about marriage, minivans full of kids, and everlasting love. He gets a rose.

Group Date – A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet (Give yourself a pat on the back if you know what this is from, because these well educated gentleman sure as hell didn’t know.)
Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, Kalon

But Kalon isn’t smelling the roses, he gets grumpy that he doesn’t get a one on one date and proceeds to show his frusterations in the worst way – snide comments about Emily’s ready made family.
His fate is pretty much sealed.

We arrive at Shakespears birthplace where the gentleman will audition for Emily’s love in scenes from Romeo and Juliet.
The boys awkwardly act their hearts out as Emily encouragingly? stands there and smiles.
Arie and Doug do such a great job they are assigned the role of the nurse while the others prep for their more manly roles as Romeo, Tybalt, or Mercutio.
Ryan gets excited about his romantically scripted first Kiss and takes full advantage. Emily sadly likes it.
Kalon – yet again pisses Emily off by being a total creep. Damn you Kalon, you are supposed to be charmingly arrogant – not assholy arrogant. You are doing me absolutely no favors being in my top 3.
Arie and Doug get the most laughs as Nurse Angelica- they get an extra point for not taking themselves too seriously.
By the end, the men have definitely earned themselves a beer – we head down to the pub for a chat.
Ryan gives Emily a turquoise necklace that he won out of a vending machine.
Kalon continues to insult Emily for being tired, sick, and suprise Kalon – she is still a mother. This sets #1 Dad off, he marches over to Emily and tells her what a slimy snake Kalon is. (yes I know snakes aren’t slimy, go with it anyway).
Mama grizzly bear is not happy, she raises up on her hind legs and kicks Kalon off the show with an F Bomb. Nice to see he first glimpse of an actual spirit come out of Emily (well, West Virgina hoodrat backwoods spirit that is). Sarah Palin would be proud.
Mama is clearly worn out and heads back to the den to be with her cub. No rose is handed out tonight.

One on One Date – Jef
Looks like Emily wasn’t feeling well enough to write Jef a whity date card.
Luckily she didn’t or he probably wouldn’t have shown up to his etiquette lesson over tea.
Emily may have thought she was a lady, but she can’t handle the heat that Miss Jean is spittin. They bail on etiquette class for some fish and chips at the pub. All I get out of this conversation with Jef is that Rickie is the equivalent of a set of vintage Louis Vuitton luggage.
They have dessert in the London eye where Emily is hoping to feel that Jef wants her more than dessert.
She settles for being besties and he gets a rose.

Loyalty and Roses
Emily pulls out her interrogation light and looks for some answers on where the rest of her grizzly pack was when she needed them.
She wants to know that there is some brawn standing behind her so her tiny frame is safe to talk all the backwoods smack talk she wants.
Looks like Arie needs to hit the gym.
Ryan takes a different route and tries to woo her with some shisty Shakespeare, unfortunately his meat and cheese tray wins her over yet again. But lets get real – you may kiss a guy like that, but you sure as hell don’t marry him.
Emily gives Sean the benefit of the doubt that he would have taken care of her he makes butterflies flutter in her heart.
Lets put those butterflies to work delivering some roses.
#1 Dad, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis, Arie
Alejandro doesn’t make the cut this week. Oh well – he knows he was lucky just to get to travel along on the ride this far.

Our top 4 leaders are holding strong while I fall from grace. Thanks a lot Kbag.
Next week we travel to Croatia with our 8 remaining bachelors looking for love, drama, and hopefully something a little more entertaining so my recaps won’t suck so bad. Looks like we might just end up with a lot Emily tears. eh. stay tuned.

Ryan’s Shiny Face

Note to self. Write these recaps on Monday night – by Wed night I am severely unmotivated. Don’t be offended. I promise I am still prioritizing your entertainment. (sort of).
My dog on the other hand could not care less – he is asleep on my feet – not caring.
While my dog dreams of his own mate, our group of gentleman prep themselves to vacate the mansion for good, beginning their journey around the world one love destination at a time. First stop – Barmuda!

One on One Date – Doug, Let our senses lead the way.
Doug gets fired up as the guys pick on him before his date. He tries to flex his muscles, but Arie aint scurrd.
Emily breaks up the tension and snags #1 dad for a date. They wander the island doing a little trinket shopping, chat about the charity he started, send Austin a postcard, make wishes under a stone circle of love, and eat a fancy dinner. Doug’s ability to mask his boredom plays to his favor, Emily now believes he is the perfect man She does her best to chip away at his facade to find a flaw – but comes up empty (with the exception of him being too great of a Dad). #1 Dad has diamond platted armor- He gets a rose.
But what we do learn is that Emily’s biggest flaw is leaving her house in her pajamas. HOW DARE SHE. Excuse me while I go clean out my drawer of “perfect for weekend errands” pajamas – otherwise known as “Business Professional” to those of you in TPN. (gotta love a good TPN dress code joke).

Group Date – Lets Set Sail on the Sea of Love
Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon
The guys breakup into two sailing teams. They will be racing to win more quality time with Emily that evening.
Yellow team: Jef, Ryan, Arie, Kalon
Red Team: Charlie, Sean, Travis, Chris

Red team breaks into an early lead. Brawn over Brains appears to be the magic formula here.
Sails are swinging, ropes are pulling, flags are flying, and the Yellow team sails into the lead. Working smarter not harder, the yellow team steals the win from the Red teams sweaty grip.

The poor pouty faces of the Red team break our hearts. Aww loves – don’t be sad, I’ll keep you all company.
Uho – Chawly, are those tears I see? you better hope not or that is 5 points deducted from your teams! I’ll just take 2 since I can’ t be for sure.

Time for Cawfee Tawlk with the yellow team.
Ryan dubs Emily his trophy wife because God designed her to be a beautiful woman. Just as long as she isn’t kissing Arie anymore.
Too bad, Arie snuggles some kisses from Emily on the beach
Jef still doesn’t make a move despite Emily’s encouragement – playing hard to get works for him yet again – another group date rose awarded. He feels “something they share together is really valuable; he is really beginning to fall for her” Don’t lie – we can tell you don’t really give a Sh$t.

Doug decides 25 year olds aren’t mature enough to be in love or parent children, yet he was a father at 21. Looks like math isn’t #1 dad’s forte. Or maybe he is just trying to find any way to secure his superiority over Chris. Sorry Douglas – those steal blue eyes win over your muddy facade any day.

Two on One Date – John and Nate Lets Explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.
Blah blah blah. Quinoa, blah blah blah. They both loose a point on behalf of GLUTENS.
Nate is extremly awkward and John is incredibly boring. John sucks less. He gets a rose.
Nate goes home. He cried and he annoyed me – he loses 2 points too.

Moisturizer and Roses
I get distracted by Ryan’s shiny face and have no idea what he says. I am sure it is profound, since he is meant for something bigger and all. Next Bachelor? Winning over America – one condescending statement about women at a time.
Arie fishes for compliments from Emily and receives them in abundance.
Sean works Ricki into his convo to win brownie points and a kiss
Chris flexes his man wings against #1 Dad’s agism.
And I get sleepy – so lets get on with these roses.
Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan (say wha?), Kalon, and Alejandro all receive roses.

Chawlie and Ponyboy head home with broken heart strings.
Our 4 leaders stay at the top of the board – despite my points slashing this week.
Next week – London!
Looks like Emily is going to be dropping some F bombs – who is making her London bridge fall down?
Stay tuned –

PS – A little treat for you on behalf of Kari. Enjoy. http://insidetv.ew.com/2012/06/04/the-bachelorette-alessandro-vampires-emily/