Shakespeare and Roses

*Warning* – this recap is super lame sauce. I would not recommend reading it. But I know you are going to read it anyway because you think I am just being humble because you know how brilliant I normally am.
See not humble at all.
So stop reading

you fail.

This week is full of our Top Ten! Well really only top 3, because it is pretty clear Emily already has these decided- but we have to keep the other 7 around for the sake of ratings for the next 5 weeks.

One on One Date – Sean, Love Takes no Prisoners
We hop on a Double Decker Bus tour where Emily regurgitates an itinerary she is reading off of cue cards because neither of these southern bells have any actual knowledge of London history. (besides knowing where Prince Charles and Princess Diana were married, of course).
Emily and Sean take some cliché kissing pictures and immediately tweet them. Can you tweet pictures? I am not cool enough to be a tweeter.
Emily then tells Sean she is shocked that he is actually fun, because usually guys as good looking as he is – are boring. Can we take a minute for the irony here? Because as gorgeous as Emily is – she is as fun as a bag of rocks. Good thing Sean is fun – someone will have to keep up the energy on these dates.
Sean professes his feelings in speakers corner and then they proceed to dinner at the most romantic spot in the city – The Tower of London.
What is more romantic than torture and beheadings?
I know that really works up my appetite. I wouldn’t turn down one of those crown jewels though. Just sayin.
Back to Sean and Emily – He spouts about marriage, minivans full of kids, and everlasting love. He gets a rose.

Group Date – A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet (Give yourself a pat on the back if you know what this is from, because these well educated gentleman sure as hell didn’t know.)
Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, Kalon

But Kalon isn’t smelling the roses, he gets grumpy that he doesn’t get a one on one date and proceeds to show his frusterations in the worst way – snide comments about Emily’s ready made family.
His fate is pretty much sealed.

We arrive at Shakespears birthplace where the gentleman will audition for Emily’s love in scenes from Romeo and Juliet.
The boys awkwardly act their hearts out as Emily encouragingly? stands there and smiles.
Arie and Doug do such a great job they are assigned the role of the nurse while the others prep for their more manly roles as Romeo, Tybalt, or Mercutio.
Ryan gets excited about his romantically scripted first Kiss and takes full advantage. Emily sadly likes it.
Kalon – yet again pisses Emily off by being a total creep. Damn you Kalon, you are supposed to be charmingly arrogant – not assholy arrogant. You are doing me absolutely no favors being in my top 3.
Arie and Doug get the most laughs as Nurse Angelica- they get an extra point for not taking themselves too seriously.
By the end, the men have definitely earned themselves a beer – we head down to the pub for a chat.
Ryan gives Emily a turquoise necklace that he won out of a vending machine.
Kalon continues to insult Emily for being tired, sick, and suprise Kalon – she is still a mother. This sets #1 Dad off, he marches over to Emily and tells her what a slimy snake Kalon is. (yes I know snakes aren’t slimy, go with it anyway).
Mama grizzly bear is not happy, she raises up on her hind legs and kicks Kalon off the show with an F Bomb. Nice to see he first glimpse of an actual spirit come out of Emily (well, West Virgina hoodrat backwoods spirit that is). Sarah Palin would be proud.
Mama is clearly worn out and heads back to the den to be with her cub. No rose is handed out tonight.

One on One Date – Jef
Looks like Emily wasn’t feeling well enough to write Jef a whity date card.
Luckily she didn’t or he probably wouldn’t have shown up to his etiquette lesson over tea.
Emily may have thought she was a lady, but she can’t handle the heat that Miss Jean is spittin. They bail on etiquette class for some fish and chips at the pub. All I get out of this conversation with Jef is that Rickie is the equivalent of a set of vintage Louis Vuitton luggage.
They have dessert in the London eye where Emily is hoping to feel that Jef wants her more than dessert.
She settles for being besties and he gets a rose.

Loyalty and Roses
Emily pulls out her interrogation light and looks for some answers on where the rest of her grizzly pack was when she needed them.
She wants to know that there is some brawn standing behind her so her tiny frame is safe to talk all the backwoods smack talk she wants.
Looks like Arie needs to hit the gym.
Ryan takes a different route and tries to woo her with some shisty Shakespeare, unfortunately his meat and cheese tray wins her over yet again. But lets get real – you may kiss a guy like that, but you sure as hell don’t marry him.
Emily gives Sean the benefit of the doubt that he would have taken care of her he makes butterflies flutter in her heart.
Lets put those butterflies to work delivering some roses.
#1 Dad, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis, Arie
Alejandro doesn’t make the cut this week. Oh well – he knows he was lucky just to get to travel along on the ride this far.

Our top 4 leaders are holding strong while I fall from grace. Thanks a lot Kbag.
Next week we travel to Croatia with our 8 remaining bachelors looking for love, drama, and hopefully something a little more entertaining so my recaps won’t suck so bad. Looks like we might just end up with a lot Emily tears. eh. stay tuned.