Bachelor Island

So, I have never really had the desire to travel to panama city, but the opening inspirational music to this week’s episode is kind of changing my mind.

Ben kicks off the week’s dates by dropping off a one on one date card for Kacie B. Please note the jealousy flare up as this is Kacie’s Second 1 on 1 date.

Looks like he has been missing the companionship of his trusty poodle.

 

One on One – Will Our Love Survive? Pack 3 things.

Ben’s date card instructs Kacie to pack only 3 things for their date.

Quick – what would your three things be?

 

Practical date –

Water

Sun screen

Lip Gloss

 

Slutty date –

Lip gloss

Condoms

Extra pair of underwear

 

Just turned 21 date –

Lip Gloss

ID

Credit Card

 

Sporty Date-

Lip Gloss

Spandex

Sneakers

 

Normal Date –

Lip Gloss

Normal things

 

Poodle Date –

Monkey Man

Cork Screw/Knife

Candy

Know why we could only pack three things? Because we are traveling via HELICOPTER (BAAH NO WAY) to a remote island (really just a stone’s throw away from Panama. An athletic quarterback type stone’s throw. Not mine).

Here Kacie and Ben show off their team work skills as they  milk coconuts, create fire, and cook a fish they caught themselves. If they can survive this fake stranded on an island how do we survive date, they are clearly capable of surviving marriage. 

Time for the romantic dinner portion of the date.

Kacie shares with Ben her deep dark past that sets her apart from all other women – she was a teenage girl with an eating disorder. 

This gets her (and ½ of all teenage girls) a rose.

There is only one correlation to make here -Eating disorders win you love. Pass it along.

Group Date – Let’s Get Lost

Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney, Jamie

Nothing sexier than a man picking you up for your date in a big long rusty river boat.

Especially when it is misty, rainy, and muddy.

Luckily for the girls they arrive at a village full of natives ready to cloth them with local colorful garments. Most of the women kept their bathing suits on, but I’ll give you 1 guess who felt the most comfortable stripping down to go al natural under the beads.  I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you picked correctly – The stripper. I mean model. ANTM to be exact. And guess who appreciates this the most? Ben. In his a loin cloth. Lucky for him loin clothes are more forgiving than khakis.

1^st traditional activity- Body painting. ANTM marks her territory on Ben. With Paint, Not Pee. C+B=  

Everyone else paints themselves while pouting in the corner.

Once everyone is sufficiently painted we move to dancing.  ANTM is lucking out that this entire date is within her stripper skill set.

After naked body paint dancing we move to cocktail hour.

Time for Ben to sit in one stationary place while the women revolve in and out to cry about how insecure they are feeling.

Lindzi is first. She gets a kiss from Ben for being laid back. And a rose as affirmation for their (short term) future.

ANTM gives Ben her room number, just in case.

Jamie (who?) rambles on about something as Ben’s attention wanders to ANTM prancing around the pool.

Emily woos Ben with her sarcastic charm. If only we saw this side of her more often. (stay tuned for the end of the episode to witness her rapping skills).

Emily attempts to make peace with the devil and it bites her in the ass.

Everyone leaves for their respective rooms for the night.

ANTM preps for bed by putting on lipstick, doing her hair, and compiling a thought monologue of how men inevitably let her down as she waits for Ben to let her down by not showing up for a non date she invented in her head.

2 on 1 Date – Save the last dance for me.

Blakeley + Ben +Rachel = Awkward

Blakeley and Rachel strap on their heels and salsa dresses so they can shake their butts into Ben’s heart.

Salsa – super sexy in theory, super awkward in reality.  This dance should be left to dancers of the non stripper variety.

After we suffer through the awkward dancing portion of the date, we move to the awkward dinner portion of the date.  

Rachel’s raspy voice and kisses talk her way into receiving the rose.

Blakeley cries over her real feelings (as opposed to fake feelings) as she shares her “I’m a scary stalker scrap book” plotting out her entire made up life with Ben. Ben kicks her to the curb. She dies. Well more like storms off. Then Dies. Okay I lied, she just cries.

Drama

Time for the drama that has been previewed on every single commercial break for the past week.  Chris Harrison pulls Casey aside for some big news. Is it a tumor? Did her grandmother die? Nope. Casey has a non-boyfriend. Casey reveals she is still in love with a man that is never going to marry her. Ben sends her home.  She ugly cries all over the place as she heads home to her non- relationship that is clearly going nowhere.  She is pretty (as long as she isn’t crying). She will be fine.

Cocktails and Roses

Ben gets some giddy kisses from Nicki – She gets a rose

Puppy kisses from Kacie – She has a rose

Boring kisses from Lindzi – She has a rose

And really sloppy crazy awkward fast forward the dvr can’t stop talking let’s try this again after I give you instructions kisses from Jamie. – No rose.

The girl we saw for one episode shamefully departs.

Dig out your string bikinis and stop by your local Darque Tan – next week we are traveling to Belize!

Our top leaders stay at the top of the board this week as Heather racks up the points from Kacie and Rachel this week!

Cheers!

Puerto Rico Bitches!

Dear Ladies and Gents,

Your favorite email of the week has arrived.

This week we traveled to the beautiful Vieques Islands of Puerto Rico.

I  have become torn about my feelings for Courtney. Do I love her? Or do I hate her? I just can’t decide. Regardless – she is the only thing that saves this episode from being down right boring so I have awarded her an extra 5 points for being the first one to get Ben naked.

You can whine all you want about this being unfair. But this is my game – I do what I want.

1-on-1 Lets find a new love in Old San Juan

We kick off the week with a one on one date with Nicki. In case you didn’t remember who she was (because I didn’t) she is our southern divorcé. 

Traveling via helicopter (surprise) to Old San Juan, Nicki and Ben start to connect as they look out over the beautiful island scenery. They snag a piraguas as a treat for their walkabout and continue their tour on foot.  Inevitably it starts to pour rain.  I feel like whoever plans these dates needs to start consulting a weather man (Irony). Nicki and Ben make the most of it choosing to use this as an opportunity to go shopping for non sopping wet clothing. ( I feel like I am having déjà vu from last season).  Ben picks out some designer white linen threads and a straw fedora (don’t be jealous, you too can be this stylish, just swing through your local Target.) while Nicki chooses a silk bandana necklace collar dress of some sort. Luckily they changed clothes since they decide to crash a local wedding and start making plans of their own.  Before we move to the dinner/rose portion of this date can we have a moment for the video blogs? Do they just keep a bottle of spray tan in there? Because I swear Nicki was a completely different orange color during her blog spot than she was on this date. Pan to the date – normal white color. Pan to the video blog –strange orange self tan glow.

Moving on. Nicki and Ben camp out on an outside bed to have yet another chat about Nicki’s ex-relationship. The only important thing we get out of this is that I want one of those outside couch/beds. Where does one find these? Can you get them delivered? What do you think is the percentage increase in one’s sex life when they own one of these?  All things to consider.

Ben gives Nicki a rose.

** Big note of the night. Ladies hold on to your Husbands and Gentleman get your pens out, because you are going to be submitting an application as soon as you are done reading this.  ABC is officially taking applications to be a contestant on the next season of the bachelorette.  And not just any bachelorette. But, (drum roll please) everyone’s favorite busty blonde widow single mother of 1 – Emily Maynard! (and the crowd goes wild). Brad Womack wasn’t man enough to handle her, I sure can’t wait to see what is in store next season!

Group Date – Diamonds are a Girls’ Best Friend

Lyndzi, Courtney, Jen, Kacie, Emily, Rachel, Casey, Jamie (who?), and Blakeley gear up for their group date.

As they all layer on their sports bras and athletic spandex they chat away about how this date must be about jewelry. (all very bright crayons in the box).  They board their pep bus and travel to a baseball stadium for a rousing game of who can hit Ben’s balls? Followed by Who can still hit Ben’s balls after he has been pitching for 5 innings? They start off with some batting practice, cartwheels, sprints, okay we get it, everyone on the show is athletic. Now time for the real game. Whoever wins will get to sit in the sand and drink Rum with Ben. Losers go home crying.

Courtney and Blakeley are our captains strategically picking their teams (aka who they want to stab the least).

Red team (ANTM’s) Score 5 runs at the top of the 1^st. Blue Team (Blakeley’s) come back with 3.  Courtney tries to make a dig at Blakeley saying she didn’t know strippers could play baseball, but I feel the pot may be calling the kettle black at this point. I mean aren’t models just glorified strippers anyway? Getting paid to take off their clothes and entice strangers to desire them? Either way – the strippers continue to duke it out for 5 innings. Ben’s arm gets tired and praises the lord when the Red team finally wins.  Maybe if he had a wrist warmer of tattoo’s (tattoos covering the wrist and forearm) like Blakely he would have been able to hang on longer.  Clearly– tattoo sleeves are out and tattoo wrist warmers in –classy.

Blakeley all but kills herself over the loss as the blue team rides the bus home in shame while the Red team boards a, wait for it, helicopter to take them to the beach for rum and dancing. ( no actual dancing. It just made it sound more fun.)

At the beach Ben takes his poodle (Kacie) for a walk and showers her with affection. She gets the date rose.

ANTM steals Ben away from the group to proposition him with a little late night skinny dipping. He tries to be nonchalant about the proposal, but we can hear his pants getting tighter as he responds non-committingly.  They will both have to just endure the lusting a little longer as the ladies are watching their every move.

1-on-1 Lets Find Love Somewhere Private

Ben arrives at the house to pick Elyse up for their one on one date.  He catches the girls sunbathing. (how many tramp stamps can you spot?).

They board a yacht in hopes the water will help them build a deeper connection. But let’s be honest. There is no connection between this Jwow wannabe and Ben F. Ben doesn’t end up giving Elyse a rose on the date and sends her back to the states via life raft. But Elyse, don’t feel bad hunny. We all know Ben isn’t right for you. Your happiness lies with a juicehead that will GTL with you.

As Elyse heads to the states, Courtney heads to Ben’s to seal the deal on her indecent proposal.  Ben is happy to see Courtney, but “shocked” at her initiative. Ben can’t resist ANTM throwing herself at him and agrees, heading to the beach with a glass of wine in hand. Editors – get your blur pens ready.  Ben and ANTM strip down and run into the ocean, the waves crashing against their (sorry you will have to refer to a Harlequin for the rest of the details).

Cocktail/Rose Ceremony

ANTM shows up looking like the cat that ate the canary. Ben shows up looking like the guilty canary. 

Blakeley lays her heart on the line.

Emily gets a slap on the wrist from Ben for bashing ANTM (again.)

Kacie gets a nice scratch behind her poodle ears.

Lyndzi distracts everyone with her awful eye make-up application

And ANTM tickles herself with her secret as she coaxes the other ladies into sharing their skinny dipping charades knowing hers tops them all. 

Jen reminds Ben of their date trying to stir up a glimmer of hope that he still has any sort of feelings for her. But it doesn’t work and she is the only one not to receive a rose at the ceremony.

Stay tuned for next week as we travel (all the way) to Panama! (gosh I hope we get to see the canal.)

Cheers!

The Next Episode!

Dear friends,

The best part of the week has arrived. The part where I get to let out all of my pent up sarcasm as you compete for the pride of choosing the woman that does the best job of tricking Ben into giving her a piece of carbon.

This week the women are competing in the beautiful and least understood state of Utah. This week’s theme – Winning.

Let’s take a closer look at the strengths and opps of our ladies that lead to their winning or inevitable fail.

We will see who can get down and dirtiest. Literally, outside. In the dirt. 

Rachel’s signature opportunity – communicating effectively. Signature strength – sexy raspy voice while not communicating effectively

Kacie’s signature opportunity – whining when anyone else talks to Ben. Signature strength – sweet girl next door disposition while whining when someone else talks to Ben.

Courtney’s signature strength – Being a bitch

Jennifer’s signature strength – she is a red head. Opportunity – she is normal

Emily’s signature strength –sarcasm  Opportunity – picking Courtney as a nemesis

Let’s see who does a better job of utilizing their strengths to win at not failing this week

 

1^st 1 on 1 – Rachel (Lets let nature take its course). 

Ben and Rachel travel via token bachelor transportation – helicopter – to a more advanced form of transportation, a canoe. (no seriously, how do these stay afloat?).

Rachel and Ben arrive on shore for an awkwardly quiet picnic. (communication fail.)

But Ben still thinks she is pretty. (raspy voice win).

 

Kacie whines to a willing listener about missing Ben while he is away.Be isn’t there to see her being adorable (fail.)

 

Rachel and Ben go straight from a sunny lunch to romantic candle lit dinner. All of that non talking must have made them hungry.

Ben digs into Rachel’s past relationships and why they may not have worked out.

Rachel demonstrates accountability and acknowledges that she doesn’t open up or communicate easily.

Ben notes he tends to listen too much to other people and doesn’t trust his own instincts. Good thing he has the producers here to help guide his decisions, because I doubt his gut would provide such good drama.

All of this honesty just makes a guy want to hand out a rose.

Rachel has another week to work through her opportunities with Ben.

They celebrate with toasted marshmallow kisses (Raspy voice win).

 

Group date. (Let’s see if you are a great catch)

Kacie is nervous to be on another group date. (whining fail.)

The dating parade takes a horseback ride through the country side to the local watering hole where they break out their sexy fly fishing gear. Seriously what is sexier than rubber overalls?

This is the perfect activity for dating step number 3 -Letting him teach you something.

America’s Next Top Model is the first to fully embrace the goal of today’s date. Not catching a fish – catching a man and ANTM is a pro at that game.

 

Kacie is the first to make a real connection with Ben on this date. (Girl next door win.)

ANTM pulls Ben away for some one on one fishing to impress Ben with her natural fly fishing talents and lo and behold she catches a Man! I mean fish. (Bitch win.)

 

The girls shed their waders for cocktail dresses and fight for face time with Ben.

First up Casey who bashes Ben’s love record with an adorable smile (we will count that as a win).

Nikki interrupts (win/fail) to tell him her Boss just died which normally would be awkward, but somehow Ben found a way to connect through a recently passed friend.  (Can you count that as a win when someone died? I guess so.)

Samantha sits down for a little chat about being invisible (win because we have no idea who this girl is anyway.) Ben calls Samantha out for being emotional, rude, and not serious about the process. He ends the relationship immediately. (invisible girl fail.)

Kacie get some super quiet alone time up in Ben’s room for some intimate kisses. (Girl next door win.) As Ben looks to be falling fast for her. Also falling fast are her curls. Girlfriend needs to stop by her local target and pick up some frizzease. (fail.)

ANTM steals some time to show Ben some fake insecurities so that Ben will give her the date rose as reassurance. And she wins. (winning.)

 

2^nd 1 on 1 – Jennifer (let’s pick our love song).

Bennifer trespass their way to the top of a crater aka big hole in the ground with the intention of repelling down to the dirty water at the bottom to go swimming. A date for everyone? Probably not.

This ends up being disappointingly uneventful.

Bennifer moves to the dinner portion of the date.

They chit chat fire side. Again not very eventful.

Then it rains. Still not very eventful.

She gets a rose.

 

Cocktails and Roses

Emily makes the mistake of being the Debbie downer that tries to shed some light for Ben on Courtney.

This is a classic mistake that at least one girl makes a season and it usually leads to her demise. Hopefully Emily will put on her blinders and not let the ANTM fly bother her. 

Casey stirs up some drama between Emily and ANTM. They duke it out for awhile. Ben hands out some roses. Everyone gets one except for Monica. I know you are really torn up about it, but it is her own fault for wearing that hideous dress. We will have to find a way to pull through next week without her.

Something to look forward to next week– Puerto Rico. But just in case anyone was feeling too special. ANTM calls out she was just their two months ago. (winning).

Tallying up our wins and fails from the week we can conclude that all of these girls win at failing. (Except Courtney. She wins at winning while winning at being a bitch, about winning).

We shall continue our journey next week and see who can win less at failing.

But do you know who didn’t win at failing this week? Heather and Jihan as they climb to the top of the leader board with 34 points!

Cheers!

Bree

Quote of the week – “I’m a nice person. Don’t F*ck with me.” – ANTM

Bachelor, a New Season!

Hi Everyone,

 

Squeezing in the first recap before tonight’s episode. I promise they won’t always be this late, but hope to make the wait worth your while.

 

We have officially begun Ben’s journey to find love in California. And who couldn’t find love on that shore line of booze and boobs?

 

I am deeply saddened I missed the recap of week 2 as Blakeley in that striper I mean striped jumper was worth a 1,000 words. But we will have to let that one go and focus on what is at hand.

 

Week 3 begins in Ben’s home town good ol San Fran– hang on to your trolly’s girls – it is going to be a bumpy ride.

And what better way to start dating 20 girls then a chat with sis – Julia.

 

What I learned from this coffee status:

Sister needs a double date partner

Ben will find the person he is looking for in this ridiculous process in which no-one finds who they are looking for.

 

What Ben sees in the girl’s:

• Incredible
• Professional
• Strong
• Model that sis will love
• Smart
• Funny
• Attractive
• Best kissers

 

What these Girls are actually like:

• Bat Shiz Crazy
• Model that sister will hate
• Sluts

 

 

First 1-on-1 for the week: Emily.

Here are the strategic questions for this date:

• What should she wear?
• Is he going to like her?
• What does it mean to be lifted up?
• Does this involve heights?
• Will she pee her pants?

 

Now that all the proper questions have been asked we want to ensure we preface the date properly with the words of wisdom from America’s Next Top Model – Well educated girls are boring.

Take away, the PhD student should definitely forfeit her PhD prior to leaving for this date or it is doomed.  (She doesn’t).

 

In a shocking turn of events the girl that is scared of heights is taken on the date in which they climb to the top of the bay bridge to build trust. I bet she doesn’t freak out. 2ft up. Only 533ft to go. Climb, clip the carabineer, climb, clip the carabineer, climb, click, climb, click, step, step, step, step. Phew they made it ½ way and what better way to celebrate mediocrity than a kiss?! Que inspirational bridge climbing music  – and now they can conquer the rest. Yay! Smart girls can be fun! Take that ANTM.

 

After their death defying experience Ben and Emily have a really great dinner sharing the brilliant effectiveness of online dating, timing as an excuse for breaking up with someone, and other things that qualify Ben and Emily as having lived the same lives up until now.  Ben decides that dating a woman that is smarter than he is could be the formula to success (take that ANTM) and Emily receives the date rose as fireworks erupt into the sky. All the other girls are jealous. Mission complete.

 

 

Group Date – Ski Bunnies (not of the fluffy variety)

Ben strategically uses his largest group date to take ½ naked girls ski’ing down the streets of San Francisco. Watch out for the snow burn.

Straight 10’s across the board (even from the Russian judges) on Kacie’s backwards butt ski.

Move to cocktail hour when the ski bunnies are in little dress with no sign of any bruises from the day. All lies.

Kacie tries to rekindle the love from their first baton twirl.

Blakeley recognizes that everyone hates her.

Rachel gets a rose.

 

1 on 1 date –

Brittney decides she doesn’t love Ben as much as Grandma loves Ben and leaves the competition ek I mean leaves the Journey to find love. Lindzi takes Brittney’s sloppy seconds and goes on the date.

Lindzi and Ben take a trolly ride enjoying the sights, sounds, and tastes of the city including a little Basilica Block Party (Matt Nathanson concert) at City Hall and dinner at a historic speakeasy.

Which leads me to the best part of this entire episode.

Lindzi nonchalantly tells Ben the love of her life of a year and a half broke up with her via text message. And not just any text message. But a text message that read –

“Babe, Welcome to dumpsville. Population – You.”

Now my question is – what kind of crazy is she that she dated and fell in love with a big enough douchebag that would actually send that text after a year and a half?  

Thanks to the DBag we will get to find out, as Lindzi receives a rose and stays with us for another episode.

 

Cocktail – Rose Ceremony.

Let’s skip right to the exciting part. (Even passing over the MASS amount of tongue that was the kiss between Ben and Jennifer).

Flash to girl driving into San Fran talking to Chris. Who could it be? Ex Girlfriend? Kim Kardashian? Nope! Its Shawntel!  The funeral director that creep’d out Brad a season or so ago.  She struts into the house in a little red dress and turns all of the girls heads as she shocks Ben and lays her heart on the line. As she tells Ben she wants him to give her a chance the claws come out across the room.  Nothing like another girl in the mix to bring out the finger snaps and o’ no’ she’ di’in’ts from the other cats. It appears Ben was just as unimpressed as (or intimidated by) the other woman were and doesn’t give Shawntel the last rose on the plate. In fact, he doesn’t give the last rose out to anyone including Jaclyn even though she fainted for it.  

Ben – I am disappointed in you. Shawntel was your best shot at a decent girl this season. Oh well, maybe we will be writing about her again next season.

 

Judy has bounded to the top for this first recap and has 28 points!

 

We will see where this season takes us!

Bree

Bachelorette Challenge Week 9 ~ Kneel before Zod.

JP was first to meet Ashley’s family and was welcomed with mixed reviews.

He gained the support of her Mother, Brother, and Step-Father, but watch out for Kat Von D. Ashley’s sister just didn’t see the connection.

As they sit down for a dinner last supper style – big sis asks her one and only qualifying question – does JP make her laugh? Unfortunately to the detriment of JP – Ashley answers sarcastically saying she makes herself laugh?. Kat Von D isn’t impressed. She makes Ashley cry  as Ashley fesses up to her own insecurities  apparently unable to find any ounce of courage to stick up for JP and his kissing abilities. The brutal slaughter continues as Kat Von D sits down for a no nonsense chat with JP – not letting him change her mind that they just aren’t right for each other.

JP leaves defeated.

Next up comes Ben – who immediately wins the whole family over with his puppy voice. Kat approves. Nuff said.

Ben and Ashley enjoy their last date together – rubbing each other down in a healing mud bath. What’s more sensual then mud squishing between your toes?

They clean up and sit down for a serious conversation in Ben’s room.

He tells her how madly in love with her he is and they make out on the bed winning an extra 5pts for his team. She can’t tell him how much she loves him – but Ben thinks her kisses say it all.

JP swoops in for some comfort from Ashley. Does she feel the same way Kat Von D does? She sure doesn’t do a great job of defending their relationship. But JP seems up to the challenge of defending it enough for the both of them. He refuses to let the opinions of a jaded woman ruin the love that he has found. He tells Ashley how much he loves her and assures her he is ready to start a new life his leading lady.  He has even given her a picture of them on the beach with a little note to remind her of the love he has for her.

Time for the big decision.

Ben and JP both go to pick out the ring they hope will win Ashley over.

Apparently JP’s gift did the trick.

Ben arrives at the rejection platform first.

As his sweaty hair sticks to his forehead Ben begins explaining the journey of love that has brought him here. Ashley not only unbelievably lets Ben get down on one knee, but lets him get all the way through his proposal before having him stand so she can break his heart.

Ben is in complete shock at her response and turns to walk away.  She chases after him unable to understand why he is so upset. He stands his ground and doesn’t take her bs of an explanation. His genuine response helps him maintain some dignity as he leaves confused and fiancéless.

Ashley composes herself for the joy that is to come.

JP lands and is ushered by Chris to his future.

Ashley is all smiles as JP tells her all of the wonderful things she has always wanted to hear.

He proposes. She says yes and offers him a rose telling him she has waited so long and is so happy to finally say how much she loves him.

They kiss under the sunset and live happily ever after. Well, they leave to their separate homes to be apart for months while the show airs and all of America talks trash about them. It is like happily ever after.

Unlike Brad and Emily  – Ashley and JP are still together and in love at the “after the final rose” episode.

Anyone placing bets on the union of these two love birds Or will we see them on Bachelor Pad 3?

That is all for my recaps folks. If you feel the emptiness in your hearts that only the bachelor can fill – tune into Bachelor Pad 2 for a whole host of crazyamazingness!

Bachelorette Challenge Week 8

Ni Sa Bula~

This week we have traveled to the exotic islands of Fiji

What could be more romantic than these white sandy beaches, turquoise waters, coral reefs, and fantasy suites?

I have no idea – that is why I was asking you.

To kick off this episode we get some lovely scenic views of Fiji – complete with some classic pensive shots of Ashley pondering her happily ever after. After consulting her journal for words of advice – she takes to  primping in the mirror (after she has been in hair and make-up for 2 hours) preparing for her first date.  We hear a knock at the door and then dramatically cut away to commercial.

When we return we open the door to reveal – RYAN!

Oh Ry Ry how lovely it is to see that goofy desperate smile again. 

Ryan has travelled all by his lonesome in an undoubtedly honeymooner filled airplane all the way to Fiji- just for the chance that maybe possibly in a million years Ashley deeply regrets her decision to send him home and has been longing to see him ever since even though she didn’t make a single effort to pick up the phone and call him because she has been too busy making out with other guys that she is actually in love with.

Ryan explains this logic to Ashley as she sits on the other side of the couch annoyed that she is once again going to have to tell his guy – not a chance. But he insists she doesn’t devastate him for the second time right this second. She must wait until the end of the week – after her fantasy suite dates with men that she actually cares about; while he aimlessly wonders the beaches of Fiji alone.

Our first lucky in love bachelor that Ashley actually wants to date is Ben– he makes his way to meet Ashley, they hug, they kiss, they pick out a boat in ocean to use for the day.

And as every self respecting love bird in Fiji does – they strip down and climb on top of each other to lather on the sun tan lotion. This teasing ritual lasts most of the date until they jump in the water to wash it off so they can start all over again. There is lots of chit chat about how scary Ben’s mom was and how perfect they are for each other and how pretty the coral reef is with all the little brightly colored fish. They cuddle under the sunset for awhile until they decide all of this swimming and sexual tension has worked up an appetite so they head to dinner.

They discuss once again how cute and in love they are and forego their rooms for the fantasy suite. Which by the way is amazing. Heck I would even date Ashley if I could have this suite.

They make out in the pool and make out on the way to the gigantic bed and then the camera men leave.

They wake up the next morning and Ashley kisses Ben goodbye as she heads to her date with Constantine (probably not true, but funny).

Ashley fulfills Constantine’s dreams of riding in a helicopter.

Ashley is giddy girl riding next to her Greek God (not quite accurate Constantine was a King not a God. But I guess we get her point). They ride over the pretty blue water to a serine waterfall.  But we don’t look at waterfalls here – we jump from them.

They swim around in the exotic waters and pretend to be into each other.

Ashley calls Constantine out on being lame for looking at 100 houses before he bought one which obviously directly correlates to how many women he will need to date before he picks one (let’s not discuss how many houses I looked at to commit to a 1 yr lease). They leave the waterfall for dinner where the “just not that into you” conversation continues. Constantine set his boundaries with the Fantasy Suite – vowing he wouldn’t accept if he wasn’t in love with her. Consequently he packs his things and leaves Fiji.

In case you forgot (because Ashley did)– Ryan is still on the island. Time to go break his desperate little heart all over again. Ashley humors him on the deck for awhile, but then gets to the point. She is more in love with two other men and couldn’t care less that he traveled back to see her. Unfortunately his ideal dreams did not come true and it’s time to go back home to warm hard solar panel reality.  (I really didn’t mean for that to sound dirty – the words warm and hard together just do it on their own. But solar panels are warm right? Not cold?).

Final fantasy date – JP.

Another bear hug greeting between the two of them before they board their water plane for a remote island. We land somewhere straight out of a postcard.

Ashley and JP frolic in the water – enjoying some intimate moments between themselves and the camera crew. This is pretty much their day until dinner. Ashley fills JP in on her crazy week, but wants him to continue to focus on his feelings for her and not her relationships with other men – even though she keeps talking about them. He assures her he is only focused on her. They go to another amazing fantasy suite where Ashley surprises him dressed in a white dress shirt. Is this her shirt? Is it JPs? Is it Ben’s? one Const left behind? I’m confused. But apparently JP is impressed because they get right to making out in bed and the camera crew is kicked out.

Rose Ceremony – even though there are two men and two roses Ashley firmly believes they need the rose ceremony. She wants to ensure the men have had an opportunity to think about their feelings for her and wants to allow them the decision to accept the rose she offers.

She offers both roses. After a few long dramatic awkward pauses – both Ben and JP accept.

Next week we meet Ashley’s Fam – Ashley calls some tattooed chick a b*%$ and hands out a final rose.

Ni Sa Moce

Bachelorette Challenge Week 7 – Homecoming!

Good Marrow!

Which as you know is a common Renaissance welcome between friends.

To begin, Ashley recaps her bachelorette experience for us in her own words which aren’t nearly as clever as my own, let’s be honest. However, can we please pause for the fact that no one told me that Ames’ elevator attack was their first kiss! Wholly bageezes it is even more ridiculous now!

And that is all I retained from her recap.

Alas we have the kind pleasure of meeting our dearest bachelor’s families.

First we journey to our good Sir Constantine’s homeland of Atlanta. (Okay I thought it would be amusing to write this whole thing in Renaissance Faire, but this will take all afternoon. It’s the thought that counts right?) Moving on.

Over the years as I have studied this show I have made the direct correlation between intensity of the hometown welcome hug and the length of remaining stay in the competition.

Constantine had an admirable trot, hug, lift. I give it a 7.

First stop is the Greek’s Italian Restaurant Giorgio’s. All of the lovely waitresses are so happy he has returned. Ashley better claim her territory or there may be a cat fight.

Ashley decorates a pizza with perfect pepperoni form and has a gay ol time laughing and being playful with Constantine in his element. They genuinely seem to be having fun. They sit down for a chat about being open and ready for love then share a Lady and the Tramp kiss over the Italian table. Time to meet the Greeks! From now on every time I come home I am going to be disappointed that I am not greeted with graduation balloons and a banner. Clearly the Greeks love their children more than the German/Danish/French Canadians.

And let’s be honest – I couldn’t have been happier with the perfection of stereotypical Greek father that is Demetri.  “My son! My son! He has returned! My son!” I am surprised he didn’t tell anyone to “just put some Windex on it.” To make it better not only do we get to meet Mom, Dad, and Sis. We get to meet Aunt Adelpha, Uncle Aetos, Aunt Agatha, Uncle Tyco, Cousin Honna, Cousin Idola, Cousin Hedea, Cousin Clio, Cousin Cora, Niece Stesha, Nephew Sophocles and everyone else. Ump a! And what do the Greeks do when they get together? They Dance! With Ashley’s skills she picks up the complicated circle quickly and impresses everyone. Demetri is so impressed he makes it rain. Now what is the proper etiquette when your possible father-in-law to be is throwing dollar bills at you when you dance? Do you work harder to earn it? Do you stop and pick it up and keep it? Do you leave it on the ground and dance on it? Guess we will never find out. Ashley sees how wonderful the chosen one (Const) is and how much his family loves and adores him and sees what a rockin good time the fam. is –  then departs.

Our journey continues to the pristine meadows of Chadds Ford, PA

And who else would live in such a land other than our flannel wearing Ken Doll- Ames?

I am sorry to say this greeting was a slow ½ trot, stand hug. I give it a 4.

We go right into meeting his family. Mother seems sweet, brother had the unfortunate luck of the draw, sister runs the show. We learn Ames has many different forms. Not only is he a Ken Doll who is loyal, honest, intelligent, and romantic. But he is also an onion in which we need to pull back the layers. First the intelligent layer, then the loyal layer, then the honest layer, then maybe the romantic layer. Hmm. Seems he is still the same Ken Doll. His sister keeps referencing this Spark that is in Ames, but that she just doesn’t see it in Ashley. This spark must be microscopic, because I sure don’t see this blaze erupting from Ken Doll. Ashley is smitten, but doesn’t see the blaze either. She still needs some fire. Ames agrees some fire is needed- so he takes her on the spiciest date he can think of – a picnic under a Magnolia Tree. This spicy picnic ends up feeling more like an interview than a date. I’m exhausted just thinking about how much work it would be to engage in a conversation with this man. But Ashley tries her best. She humors his affections towards her citing once again the differences between love as a track meet vs. a marathon. They finish their marathon in typical Ken Doll fashion – a campaign carriage ride.

Let’s go visit Ben – I bet he is more interesting.

Ben’s hug is a Run, Jump, Hug Lift. Much more impressive – I give it an 8!

Ashley can’t help comment on Ben and his sexiness – mostly the hair. Wait speaking of hair. What is that growing on his lip? Is that a moustache? Or a dead animal? I can’t tell. Whatever it is – it needs to go.  Forgetting that and focusing on the remaining sexiness – what better a date with a sexy man then wine tasting? They trot down to the wine barrels to try some fresh made wine – which is the best kind right? The new stuff? Don’t want anything that has been sitting around too long, aging.  They talk about their future here in Sonoma where Ashley’s family can come visit only during the holidays. They discuss the jovial personality of his BFG. Jovial – that is a word that should be used more. Homework – use it in a sentence tonight. We meet Ben’s Mother and Sister, learn his sister is over protective, that Ben sucked at being there for his mom, and that his mom forgives him. Remember how I said Ben’s date had to be more interesting than Ken Doll’s? I lied. This house is sooo quiet – I am afraid to touch anything And I am not even there. Can we go back to Constantine’s?

Well we can’t go back to Constantine’s, but we can move on to JP’s

We greet JP with a walk, hug, dance, bear hold. It looks comforting and full of familiarity – I give it a 9!

To match JP’s adorable personality we take a trip down memory lane to the moonlight skate.

Close your eyes, picture the soft rock ballads, the spinning disco ball, the feeling of a sweaty palm touching yours. Ahh grade school. Not only does Ashley have dance experience but she was an ice skater which makes her a supreme roller skater – obvi.

They skate, kiss, fall, kiss, laugh, kiss. A lot of kissing on this date. I don’t blame her.

They go to meet JP’s family. His mother is an older female version of JP – very sweet and very intent on insuring JP doesn’t get his heart broken again.

I wouldn’t mess with her – any Woman that has naked female art in her house is feisty.  We see another piece of Art – JP’s bar mitzvah portrait, get a few laughs at the Kirk Cameron resemblance and depart.

Time to return to LA for the rose ceremony.

I think you can infer from my hug ratings who is our unfortunate bachelor left without a rose this week.

I don’t think I will ever forget the heart wrenching expression on Ames’s face when he doesn’t receive his rose. Or was that the same plastic smile I see every week? I’m not sure. But I won’t forget it.

Next week we get serious in Fiji. Don’t miss it.

God Keep Thee,

 

Bachelorette Challenge Week 6

Why hello there.

After a break last week due to our nations birthday – it sure was nice to have some bachelorette back in our lives this week!

A few big shock waves rippled through fantasy land this week resulting in Erica leading the pack with 55 points while many of you come to a screeching halt as your last hope – Ryan P sulks in the lonely no rose corner.

To add insult to injury – he is the first of our bachelors to cry on camera (couldn’t miss that zoom lens) canceling out his one on one date points for the week.

Now that I just ruined it for you – let’s get to the recap!

Let’s jump right into our first one on one date for the week- Constantine

This date was all about letting their little light of love shine. – This little light of love. Their gunna let it shine. (hold up your finger “light” in your cube – come on – let me see it – I know you went to Sunday School) This little light of love – their gunna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.

They begin the date with a steam engine ride – appropriate because this is the speed their relationship is currently traveling in – more like a flickering light than a shining one. But according to Ashley love is in full bloom because he is holding her hand and touching her leg. I believe from now on I am going to rate relationships in amounts of hand holding. “Friend- how was your date last night” “eh – about 5 minutes worth of hand holding” “how was your weekend with your boyfriend, friend?” “it was great! Definitely 45 minutes worth of hand holding!” “wow you two must have really gotten steamy!”

To help coax their love along – they write love wishes all over a giant red lattern/balloon. Love = rings, children, marriage, lips, and lots of other doodles. They then carry this love balloon all around town until night fall.  As a sign of good faith by the love gods – a dog promptly trots up to their love balloon and shows them what he thinks by pissing all over it. Note to self – don’t leave my love balloons on the ground.

After releasing their pee balloon into the night sky – which really was quite beautiful they get to the serious chat. Ashley is interested in Constantine for his body and basically throws herself at him.  Constantine kind of likes Ashley.

One on one with Ben

Ben and Ashley take a dangerous and thrilling 28 mph ride down the gorges of Taiwan via scooter. Living dangerously sure does turn a girl on. Ben shouts back some whitty one liners as the breeze whips through their helmets and their love grows stronger. We pan out to Ashley and Ben on a breathtaking rope bridge. Well Ashley, Ben, and a bag the size of Ashley. It’s got Luda wondering – what in the world is in that bag – what you got in that bag? Apparently the bag contained wine that tastes somewhat, but not really like Ben’s homemade wine?  

Ashley – you aren’t fooling any one. I know that wine was Ben’s – but when he made some comment trying to look smart about it having differences – Ashley was polite and didn’t call him out on national television for being a dipshit.

They discuss the importance of the L Bomb and then kiss awkwardly.

In life – is kissing as awkward as it looks? I swear all kisses on this show just look uncomfortable (except with JP).

Your homework – take pictures of yourself kissing or a video if you want to get kinky (not other people kissing – that’s creep). Then analyze whether you felt and therefore look or don’t look awkward. Report back (just a report not the pictures, that’s creepy).

Ben randomly spends the night somewhere other than the bachelor suite just to throw in some drama. It works – and drives JP into a jealous tizzy.

JP, Ames, and Lucas have a group date to take wedding photos.

Which was  super great, because all of the guys were in such a great mood and had so much fun – not taking themselves seriously at all.

Oh wait – that was how Ashley planned for the date to go. In actuality Lucas pouted because he had to wear a long shirt when JP got to be James Bond, Ken Doll was void of emotion as usual, and JP hid his dimples in protest to Lucas and Ashley kissing.

The only good part of this date was seeing Ken Doll in a classic Ken Doll powder blue tux.  

Ken Doll tells Ashley how genuinely happy his plastic perfect family is.

Lucas proves what a stiff wet blanket he is in life.

JP tells Ashley how jealous he was all day and wins a rose.

He rewards us with a flash of his dimples and Ken Doll does a sitting pushup to congratulate him.

Ryan’s first (and last) one-on-one date

Ashley proves to us the 1 perk of having small boobs – the ability to wear backless shirts EVERYWHERE  – Worth it? – Nah.

They throw some match rocks at a love god, well on the ground in front of him, and fail.

Ryan educates Ashley on the finer points of Tai Chi and fails.

Ryan demonstrates his passion for tankless water heaters and fails.

Ashley finally realizes Ryan doesn’t have Constantine’s body, JP’s lips, Ben’s hair, or Ames personality haha let me try that again –  or Ames intelligence –  and has to send him home.

Ryan fights back some tears and fails.

I wish him better luck in the future as he continues his quest to find Never Ending Love. I suggest he try Disneyworld.

Ashley takes a minute to cry – gosh picking your dream man is tough.

Then hands out some roses. JP has one, Constantine gets one, Ben gets one, Ken Doll wishes Lucas good luck in the competition – Ken Doll wins.

Conservative – too serious – over user of the endearment “sweety” goes home.

Next week not only do we get to judge the bachelors, but we get to judge their families and their homes! You don’t want to miss it!

Cheers!

Bachelorette Challenge Week 5

 

A little morning treat.

Erin is back in 1^st place this week with 46 points!

Sorry Lindsey – all of your suitors are out of the running- You get the “worst match maker” award ending with 13 points.

Recap –

Can you think of a more delightful way to kick off a week then a little time with our dear old friend Bentley? Because I sure can’t. I think I might have missed him more than Ashley. Thank god he has so selflessly taken time out of his crazy busy life to fly all the way to Hong Kong for a week’s vacation, excuse me – I mean to see Ashley one more time, because he has missed her so much, and wants to see her bright shining face, as she gives him warm fuzzies all over.

Chris Harrison prepares Ashley – telling her she will need to stay strong, ask the hard questions, and not let him get by with being vague. Any bets on her execution?

Ashley takes some time to gain some gusto for this performance, walks down to his room, takes some more time to muster more gusto, then knocks on his door.

Eeek! Oh, sorry, just Bentley at the door.

They greet each other with a kiss, Ashley comments on the room being lovely even though it looks exactly like hers, then they sit down for the “talk”

Which consists of Ashley semi asking some sort of maybe a question. Bentley smiling some vacant grin and touching her leg, Ashley re-asking some sort of something, Bentley looking more vacant, etc. Until Ashley realizes Bentley is void of all emotion in life and sits in silence until it is time to leave. She eloquently announces to the camera that Bentley can F*$% off and we break for a commercial.

Why couldn’t they have just saved us 20 minutes and broke up via text message like every other relationship in the age of smart phones?

Time for our one on one date with Lucas!

I’ll give you three guesses what they are going to do on their date?

If you guessed market shopping (for the fourteenth date) you would be correct!

More shopping and more weird food eating – nothing too impressive.

But what is impressive? A cruise on a PIRATE SHIP. Jealous. Sadly there was no wench costumes – but they do eat dinner and chit chat on the ship while gazing at the impressive Hong Kong skyline (which will also be a theme in this episode). They banter, they dance, Big Tex gets his first kiss and a rose for making Ashley feel protected and like a woman. Who doesn’t love themselves a southern gentleman?

Group date!

Ken Doll, Ben F, Const, Mickey, Blake, and Ryan P. break into pairs for Dragon Boat racing. Mickey and Ken Doll prove to be excellent recruits for their team – as their lineup of rowers consists of a few professional dragon boaters that they find per chance in the markets of Hong Kong- they take first place! ( I think Harvard Crew Captain Ken Doll’s experience put them over the edge).  Blake controls his urge to drown Ryan P. and their team comes in second. Ben and Const just can’t get the motion of the ocean as they come in far far behind.

All of this rowing makes them thirsty – time for group cocktail hour.  Ken Doll corners Ashley in an elevator and assaults her with his lips as a “surprise” to the rooftop of the building where they can ogle the Hong Kong skyline (told you it would come back). Ryan annoys everyone some more and gets a rose. That’s about it.

Second one-on-one date with JP!

I didn’t think it was possible – but this kid just keeps getting more adorable. It doesn’t hurt that he is visibly an amazing kisser – no need for a romance novel if you dvr this episode. Ken Doll should take some notes. That’s pretty much all I got out of their date.

Kidding, they too check out the Hong Kong skyline – which I will admit was pretty breathtaking – oops sorry, slipped back to the kissing, Focus. Skyline – quite romantic.

Ashley has developed such strong lusting, I mean feelings, for JP that she just has to confess to him about her “relationship” with Bentley.

She profess all about how strong her feelings are, I mean were..

and how heartbroken she is, I mean was..

and how he came to Hong Kong on vacation, I mean to see her..

and how she got dumped, I mean now has closure..

Thank goodness for closure – Ashley is now free to be happy and joyful and follow her heart all the way to JP’s lips.  

JP takes the mature approach and appreciates her honesty by being understanding and supportive. Which is exactly how a hole 3% of men would have reacted.

The more common reaction comes at the rose ceremony cocktail party where Ashley shares the news of Bentley’s visit with the rest of her suitors.  They don’t take so kindly to the situation and justifiably feel as though she has wasted their time pinning for some D bag while they have invested all of their time and energy into her. Hot headed Const, Blake, Lucas, and Mickey all feel their journeys can just end now.  Ashley sheds some tears and admits she sucks at communicating effectively (not an uncommon opportunity) to win them back.  Mickey isn’t phased – he gets on a boat (I’m on a boat) to go home, Blake stays to give her a second chance,  Lucas keeps his rose, Const wins a rose, and Blake gets his second chance thrown in his face as he gets sent packing.

Preview for next week – still in Asia.

Cheers!

Bree

Bachelorette Challenge Week 4

 

Chello Everyone,

New at #1 this week is Pri!

This week our journey to find love has brought us to beautiful Chiang Mai Thai – the city – not the uptown restaurant. Lucky for you I waited until after lunch to send the recap to spare you craving Chiang Mai Thai. But if you are – I recommend it for dinner.

First one-on-one to explore this majestic city is dear winemaker and elephant mural extraordinaire – Ben F.

Once again the bachelorette has shown us that the only thing to do in Asian cities is apparently shop in mass markets.

In true gentleman fashion Ben offers to buy Ashley a token kimono “robe”. I didn’t see a shopping bag – but perhaps the lounge wear will appear later in the season – Ben hopes. 

They bravely try some sort of street food and then have arts and crafts time – painting novelty parasols. In case you are wondering  “under the sea” and “J” seem to be the preferred traditional Thai parasol patterns.

Ashley and Ben banter on during arts in crafts in a manner that makes me feel as though I am chaperoning two jr. high students on their first date.  The immaturity then continues as they proceed to “mentally make-out” in front of an ancient temple. Which I believe could revolutionize both abstinence only education and long distance dating.  

Onto the best part of the date – a dinner picnic in one of the most beautiful gardenscapes one can imagine.  Props to the landscapers.  For proper dinner attire – Ashley graces Ben’s presence in a patterned strapless knee crop jumpsuit.  Now I understand a cute pattern strapless jumpsuit in preferably shorts or full pants if you want to get crazy. But you lose me at the knee high britches.  Are you an 18^th century school boy? On what planet does a strapless knee length jumpsuit flatter any woman’s body?

Answer – it doesn’t. Let’s hope this trend dies with the denim shortall. Good thing Ben is moving out of his “selfish phase” and can spoil her by purchasing her a new outfit – maybe she should just change into the kimono robe.  He gets a rose.

Time for the group date.

Ladies – you won’t want to miss this one.

If you did- I suggest finding it on the internet.

Const, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP, and Mickey all train to become Muay Thai fighters. Never have colored nylon short shorts been so attractive.

The date consists of pushups alone, sit-ups, pushups with a trainer on their back, boxing, pushups with Ashley on their backs, sit-ups, pushups just to do more pushups, and so on.  A display of testosterone at its finest.

The fighting then ensues –

Blake and Lucas have an uneventful fight – Blake mostly wins.

Mickey kicks JP’s butt in round one but, the Long Island Jew finds his “Mensch” and fights the Irishman to the mat.  (Don’t tell Shane I admitted this in the recap. His fighting Irish pride would be bruised)

Ames lives up to his pink shorts and gloves – by demonstrating his inability to throw his gigantic muscular bicep through a punching motion.  Ryan gives him a mild concussion and sends him to the hospital.  Who knew selling solar panels for a living would create a better fighter then an ivy league ken doll.  Didn’t he row in college?

We miss Nick and Constantine’s fight – but Const wins the heavy weight division.

After Ames’ injury Ashley once again notes her inability to plan a decent date and hopes the cocktail hour will go more smoothly.

Ken doll returns unscathed.

Lucas orgasms (HR is calling my desk as you read this) on camera while giving Ashley her first golf lesson. 

And in the words of Ice Cube – Blake assures Ashley that “life ain’t a track meet – it’s a marathon” which has a first place prize of a kiss and a rose.

Time for our final date of the week – a two on one with Ben C and William.

I’ll cut to the chase on this  “elephant experience” 3way.

William snarks to Ashley that Ben C can’t wait to get home and lay all of Match.com

Ashley’s insecurities get the best of her and she immediately sends Ben packing without any chance for a cross examination. 

Warning – don’t hire Ben as your lawyer – he sucks at putting up any sort of defense. He merely excepts defeat and walks away.

William thinks he is in the clear – but Ashley hasn’t forgotten his comment about being a 30yr old boy. Ashley, like most women, prefers she be dating a Man and walks William to the door. William realizes he is a jackass during the car ride home.

Time for everyone’s favorite part of the evening – drinking! Aka – rose ceremony.

Ashley acknowledges the fact that love is a two way street and that they need to pick her just as she picks them.

Const keeps it 100 when discussing his level of attachment so far. JP increases 10 fold in adorableness and women all over the country invite him to their flannel pj parties – good thing he apparently always has a pair with him.  Ryan still gushes his love and affection for her.  But she STILL can’t get the little Bentley daemon out of her head. Chris Harrison controls his urge to slap her upside the head and agrees to do everything in his power to bring her closure. 

The roses get passed out – Nick gets sent home. If only he would have shaved that patch of hair on his chin I think he would have had a shot.

Stay tuned for next week. Apparently dot dot dot = 3 weeks in Bentley years.

Cheers!

Bree