Bachelorette Challenge Week 7 – Homecoming!

Good Marrow!

Which as you know is a common Renaissance welcome between friends.

To begin, Ashley recaps her bachelorette experience for us in her own words which aren’t nearly as clever as my own, let’s be honest. However, can we please pause for the fact that no one told me that Ames’ elevator attack was their first kiss! Wholly bageezes it is even more ridiculous now!

And that is all I retained from her recap.

Alas we have the kind pleasure of meeting our dearest bachelor’s families.

First we journey to our good Sir Constantine’s homeland of Atlanta. (Okay I thought it would be amusing to write this whole thing in Renaissance Faire, but this will take all afternoon. It’s the thought that counts right?) Moving on.

Over the years as I have studied this show I have made the direct correlation between intensity of the hometown welcome hug and the length of remaining stay in the competition.

Constantine had an admirable trot, hug, lift. I give it a 7.

First stop is the Greek’s Italian Restaurant Giorgio’s. All of the lovely waitresses are so happy he has returned. Ashley better claim her territory or there may be a cat fight.

Ashley decorates a pizza with perfect pepperoni form and has a gay ol time laughing and being playful with Constantine in his element. They genuinely seem to be having fun. They sit down for a chat about being open and ready for love then share a Lady and the Tramp kiss over the Italian table. Time to meet the Greeks! From now on every time I come home I am going to be disappointed that I am not greeted with graduation balloons and a banner. Clearly the Greeks love their children more than the German/Danish/French Canadians.

And let’s be honest – I couldn’t have been happier with the perfection of stereotypical Greek father that is Demetri.  “My son! My son! He has returned! My son!” I am surprised he didn’t tell anyone to “just put some Windex on it.” To make it better not only do we get to meet Mom, Dad, and Sis. We get to meet Aunt Adelpha, Uncle Aetos, Aunt Agatha, Uncle Tyco, Cousin Honna, Cousin Idola, Cousin Hedea, Cousin Clio, Cousin Cora, Niece Stesha, Nephew Sophocles and everyone else. Ump a! And what do the Greeks do when they get together? They Dance! With Ashley’s skills she picks up the complicated circle quickly and impresses everyone. Demetri is so impressed he makes it rain. Now what is the proper etiquette when your possible father-in-law to be is throwing dollar bills at you when you dance? Do you work harder to earn it? Do you stop and pick it up and keep it? Do you leave it on the ground and dance on it? Guess we will never find out. Ashley sees how wonderful the chosen one (Const) is and how much his family loves and adores him and sees what a rockin good time the fam. is –  then departs.

Our journey continues to the pristine meadows of Chadds Ford, PA

And who else would live in such a land other than our flannel wearing Ken Doll- Ames?

I am sorry to say this greeting was a slow ½ trot, stand hug. I give it a 4.

We go right into meeting his family. Mother seems sweet, brother had the unfortunate luck of the draw, sister runs the show. We learn Ames has many different forms. Not only is he a Ken Doll who is loyal, honest, intelligent, and romantic. But he is also an onion in which we need to pull back the layers. First the intelligent layer, then the loyal layer, then the honest layer, then maybe the romantic layer. Hmm. Seems he is still the same Ken Doll. His sister keeps referencing this Spark that is in Ames, but that she just doesn’t see it in Ashley. This spark must be microscopic, because I sure don’t see this blaze erupting from Ken Doll. Ashley is smitten, but doesn’t see the blaze either. She still needs some fire. Ames agrees some fire is needed- so he takes her on the spiciest date he can think of – a picnic under a Magnolia Tree. This spicy picnic ends up feeling more like an interview than a date. I’m exhausted just thinking about how much work it would be to engage in a conversation with this man. But Ashley tries her best. She humors his affections towards her citing once again the differences between love as a track meet vs. a marathon. They finish their marathon in typical Ken Doll fashion – a campaign carriage ride.

Let’s go visit Ben – I bet he is more interesting.

Ben’s hug is a Run, Jump, Hug Lift. Much more impressive – I give it an 8!

Ashley can’t help comment on Ben and his sexiness – mostly the hair. Wait speaking of hair. What is that growing on his lip? Is that a moustache? Or a dead animal? I can’t tell. Whatever it is – it needs to go.  Forgetting that and focusing on the remaining sexiness – what better a date with a sexy man then wine tasting? They trot down to the wine barrels to try some fresh made wine – which is the best kind right? The new stuff? Don’t want anything that has been sitting around too long, aging.  They talk about their future here in Sonoma where Ashley’s family can come visit only during the holidays. They discuss the jovial personality of his BFG. Jovial – that is a word that should be used more. Homework – use it in a sentence tonight. We meet Ben’s Mother and Sister, learn his sister is over protective, that Ben sucked at being there for his mom, and that his mom forgives him. Remember how I said Ben’s date had to be more interesting than Ken Doll’s? I lied. This house is sooo quiet – I am afraid to touch anything And I am not even there. Can we go back to Constantine’s?

Well we can’t go back to Constantine’s, but we can move on to JP’s

We greet JP with a walk, hug, dance, bear hold. It looks comforting and full of familiarity – I give it a 9!

To match JP’s adorable personality we take a trip down memory lane to the moonlight skate.

Close your eyes, picture the soft rock ballads, the spinning disco ball, the feeling of a sweaty palm touching yours. Ahh grade school. Not only does Ashley have dance experience but she was an ice skater which makes her a supreme roller skater – obvi.

They skate, kiss, fall, kiss, laugh, kiss. A lot of kissing on this date. I don’t blame her.

They go to meet JP’s family. His mother is an older female version of JP – very sweet and very intent on insuring JP doesn’t get his heart broken again.

I wouldn’t mess with her – any Woman that has naked female art in her house is feisty.  We see another piece of Art – JP’s bar mitzvah portrait, get a few laughs at the Kirk Cameron resemblance and depart.

Time to return to LA for the rose ceremony.

I think you can infer from my hug ratings who is our unfortunate bachelor left without a rose this week.

I don’t think I will ever forget the heart wrenching expression on Ames’s face when he doesn’t receive his rose. Or was that the same plastic smile I see every week? I’m not sure. But I won’t forget it.

Next week we get serious in Fiji. Don’t miss it.

God Keep Thee,

 

Bachelorette Challenge Week 6

Why hello there.

After a break last week due to our nations birthday – it sure was nice to have some bachelorette back in our lives this week!

A few big shock waves rippled through fantasy land this week resulting in Erica leading the pack with 55 points while many of you come to a screeching halt as your last hope – Ryan P sulks in the lonely no rose corner.

To add insult to injury – he is the first of our bachelors to cry on camera (couldn’t miss that zoom lens) canceling out his one on one date points for the week.

Now that I just ruined it for you – let’s get to the recap!

Let’s jump right into our first one on one date for the week- Constantine

This date was all about letting their little light of love shine. – This little light of love. Their gunna let it shine. (hold up your finger “light” in your cube – come on – let me see it – I know you went to Sunday School) This little light of love – their gunna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.

They begin the date with a steam engine ride – appropriate because this is the speed their relationship is currently traveling in – more like a flickering light than a shining one. But according to Ashley love is in full bloom because he is holding her hand and touching her leg. I believe from now on I am going to rate relationships in amounts of hand holding. “Friend- how was your date last night” “eh – about 5 minutes worth of hand holding” “how was your weekend with your boyfriend, friend?” “it was great! Definitely 45 minutes worth of hand holding!” “wow you two must have really gotten steamy!”

To help coax their love along – they write love wishes all over a giant red lattern/balloon. Love = rings, children, marriage, lips, and lots of other doodles. They then carry this love balloon all around town until night fall.  As a sign of good faith by the love gods – a dog promptly trots up to their love balloon and shows them what he thinks by pissing all over it. Note to self – don’t leave my love balloons on the ground.

After releasing their pee balloon into the night sky – which really was quite beautiful they get to the serious chat. Ashley is interested in Constantine for his body and basically throws herself at him.  Constantine kind of likes Ashley.

One on one with Ben

Ben and Ashley take a dangerous and thrilling 28 mph ride down the gorges of Taiwan via scooter. Living dangerously sure does turn a girl on. Ben shouts back some whitty one liners as the breeze whips through their helmets and their love grows stronger. We pan out to Ashley and Ben on a breathtaking rope bridge. Well Ashley, Ben, and a bag the size of Ashley. It’s got Luda wondering – what in the world is in that bag – what you got in that bag? Apparently the bag contained wine that tastes somewhat, but not really like Ben’s homemade wine?  

Ashley – you aren’t fooling any one. I know that wine was Ben’s – but when he made some comment trying to look smart about it having differences – Ashley was polite and didn’t call him out on national television for being a dipshit.

They discuss the importance of the L Bomb and then kiss awkwardly.

In life – is kissing as awkward as it looks? I swear all kisses on this show just look uncomfortable (except with JP).

Your homework – take pictures of yourself kissing or a video if you want to get kinky (not other people kissing – that’s creep). Then analyze whether you felt and therefore look or don’t look awkward. Report back (just a report not the pictures, that’s creepy).

Ben randomly spends the night somewhere other than the bachelor suite just to throw in some drama. It works – and drives JP into a jealous tizzy.

JP, Ames, and Lucas have a group date to take wedding photos.

Which was  super great, because all of the guys were in such a great mood and had so much fun – not taking themselves seriously at all.

Oh wait – that was how Ashley planned for the date to go. In actuality Lucas pouted because he had to wear a long shirt when JP got to be James Bond, Ken Doll was void of emotion as usual, and JP hid his dimples in protest to Lucas and Ashley kissing.

The only good part of this date was seeing Ken Doll in a classic Ken Doll powder blue tux.  

Ken Doll tells Ashley how genuinely happy his plastic perfect family is.

Lucas proves what a stiff wet blanket he is in life.

JP tells Ashley how jealous he was all day and wins a rose.

He rewards us with a flash of his dimples and Ken Doll does a sitting pushup to congratulate him.

Ryan’s first (and last) one-on-one date

Ashley proves to us the 1 perk of having small boobs – the ability to wear backless shirts EVERYWHERE  – Worth it? – Nah.

They throw some match rocks at a love god, well on the ground in front of him, and fail.

Ryan educates Ashley on the finer points of Tai Chi and fails.

Ryan demonstrates his passion for tankless water heaters and fails.

Ashley finally realizes Ryan doesn’t have Constantine’s body, JP’s lips, Ben’s hair, or Ames personality haha let me try that again –  or Ames intelligence –  and has to send him home.

Ryan fights back some tears and fails.

I wish him better luck in the future as he continues his quest to find Never Ending Love. I suggest he try Disneyworld.

Ashley takes a minute to cry – gosh picking your dream man is tough.

Then hands out some roses. JP has one, Constantine gets one, Ben gets one, Ken Doll wishes Lucas good luck in the competition – Ken Doll wins.

Conservative – too serious – over user of the endearment “sweety” goes home.

Next week not only do we get to judge the bachelors, but we get to judge their families and their homes! You don’t want to miss it!

Cheers!