The Next Episode!

Dear friends,

The best part of the week has arrived. The part where I get to let out all of my pent up sarcasm as you compete for the pride of choosing the woman that does the best job of tricking Ben into giving her a piece of carbon.

This week the women are competing in the beautiful and least understood state of Utah. This week’s theme – Winning.

Let’s take a closer look at the strengths and opps of our ladies that lead to their winning or inevitable fail.

We will see who can get down and dirtiest. Literally, outside. In the dirt. 

Rachel’s signature opportunity – communicating effectively. Signature strength – sexy raspy voice while not communicating effectively

Kacie’s signature opportunity – whining when anyone else talks to Ben. Signature strength – sweet girl next door disposition while whining when someone else talks to Ben.

Courtney’s signature strength – Being a bitch

Jennifer’s signature strength – she is a red head. Opportunity – she is normal

Emily’s signature strength –sarcasm  Opportunity – picking Courtney as a nemesis

Let’s see who does a better job of utilizing their strengths to win at not failing this week

 

1^st 1 on 1 – Rachel (Lets let nature take its course). 

Ben and Rachel travel via token bachelor transportation – helicopter – to a more advanced form of transportation, a canoe. (no seriously, how do these stay afloat?).

Rachel and Ben arrive on shore for an awkwardly quiet picnic. (communication fail.)

But Ben still thinks she is pretty. (raspy voice win).

 

Kacie whines to a willing listener about missing Ben while he is away.Be isn’t there to see her being adorable (fail.)

 

Rachel and Ben go straight from a sunny lunch to romantic candle lit dinner. All of that non talking must have made them hungry.

Ben digs into Rachel’s past relationships and why they may not have worked out.

Rachel demonstrates accountability and acknowledges that she doesn’t open up or communicate easily.

Ben notes he tends to listen too much to other people and doesn’t trust his own instincts. Good thing he has the producers here to help guide his decisions, because I doubt his gut would provide such good drama.

All of this honesty just makes a guy want to hand out a rose.

Rachel has another week to work through her opportunities with Ben.

They celebrate with toasted marshmallow kisses (Raspy voice win).

 

Group date. (Let’s see if you are a great catch)

Kacie is nervous to be on another group date. (whining fail.)

The dating parade takes a horseback ride through the country side to the local watering hole where they break out their sexy fly fishing gear. Seriously what is sexier than rubber overalls?

This is the perfect activity for dating step number 3 -Letting him teach you something.

America’s Next Top Model is the first to fully embrace the goal of today’s date. Not catching a fish – catching a man and ANTM is a pro at that game.

 

Kacie is the first to make a real connection with Ben on this date. (Girl next door win.)

ANTM pulls Ben away for some one on one fishing to impress Ben with her natural fly fishing talents and lo and behold she catches a Man! I mean fish. (Bitch win.)

 

The girls shed their waders for cocktail dresses and fight for face time with Ben.

First up Casey who bashes Ben’s love record with an adorable smile (we will count that as a win).

Nikki interrupts (win/fail) to tell him her Boss just died which normally would be awkward, but somehow Ben found a way to connect through a recently passed friend.  (Can you count that as a win when someone died? I guess so.)

Samantha sits down for a little chat about being invisible (win because we have no idea who this girl is anyway.) Ben calls Samantha out for being emotional, rude, and not serious about the process. He ends the relationship immediately. (invisible girl fail.)

Kacie get some super quiet alone time up in Ben’s room for some intimate kisses. (Girl next door win.) As Ben looks to be falling fast for her. Also falling fast are her curls. Girlfriend needs to stop by her local target and pick up some frizzease. (fail.)

ANTM steals some time to show Ben some fake insecurities so that Ben will give her the date rose as reassurance. And she wins. (winning.)

 

2^nd 1 on 1 – Jennifer (let’s pick our love song).

Bennifer trespass their way to the top of a crater aka big hole in the ground with the intention of repelling down to the dirty water at the bottom to go swimming. A date for everyone? Probably not.

This ends up being disappointingly uneventful.

Bennifer moves to the dinner portion of the date.

They chit chat fire side. Again not very eventful.

Then it rains. Still not very eventful.

She gets a rose.

 

Cocktails and Roses

Emily makes the mistake of being the Debbie downer that tries to shed some light for Ben on Courtney.

This is a classic mistake that at least one girl makes a season and it usually leads to her demise. Hopefully Emily will put on her blinders and not let the ANTM fly bother her. 

Casey stirs up some drama between Emily and ANTM. They duke it out for awhile. Ben hands out some roses. Everyone gets one except for Monica. I know you are really torn up about it, but it is her own fault for wearing that hideous dress. We will have to find a way to pull through next week without her.

Something to look forward to next week– Puerto Rico. But just in case anyone was feeling too special. ANTM calls out she was just their two months ago. (winning).

Tallying up our wins and fails from the week we can conclude that all of these girls win at failing. (Except Courtney. She wins at winning while winning at being a bitch, about winning).

We shall continue our journey next week and see who can win less at failing.

But do you know who didn’t win at failing this week? Heather and Jihan as they climb to the top of the leader board with 34 points!

Cheers!

Bree

Quote of the week – “I’m a nice person. Don’t F*ck with me.” – ANTM

Bachelor, a New Season!

Hi Everyone,

 

Squeezing in the first recap before tonight’s episode. I promise they won’t always be this late, but hope to make the wait worth your while.

 

We have officially begun Ben’s journey to find love in California. And who couldn’t find love on that shore line of booze and boobs?

 

I am deeply saddened I missed the recap of week 2 as Blakeley in that striper I mean striped jumper was worth a 1,000 words. But we will have to let that one go and focus on what is at hand.

 

Week 3 begins in Ben’s home town good ol San Fran– hang on to your trolly’s girls – it is going to be a bumpy ride.

And what better way to start dating 20 girls then a chat with sis – Julia.

 

What I learned from this coffee status:

Sister needs a double date partner

Ben will find the person he is looking for in this ridiculous process in which no-one finds who they are looking for.

 

What Ben sees in the girl’s:

• Incredible
• Professional
• Strong
• Model that sis will love
• Smart
• Funny
• Attractive
• Best kissers

 

What these Girls are actually like:

• Bat Shiz Crazy
• Model that sister will hate
• Sluts

 

 

First 1-on-1 for the week: Emily.

Here are the strategic questions for this date:

• What should she wear?
• Is he going to like her?
• What does it mean to be lifted up?
• Does this involve heights?
• Will she pee her pants?

 

Now that all the proper questions have been asked we want to ensure we preface the date properly with the words of wisdom from America’s Next Top Model – Well educated girls are boring.

Take away, the PhD student should definitely forfeit her PhD prior to leaving for this date or it is doomed.  (She doesn’t).

 

In a shocking turn of events the girl that is scared of heights is taken on the date in which they climb to the top of the bay bridge to build trust. I bet she doesn’t freak out. 2ft up. Only 533ft to go. Climb, clip the carabineer, climb, clip the carabineer, climb, click, climb, click, step, step, step, step. Phew they made it ½ way and what better way to celebrate mediocrity than a kiss?! Que inspirational bridge climbing music  – and now they can conquer the rest. Yay! Smart girls can be fun! Take that ANTM.

 

After their death defying experience Ben and Emily have a really great dinner sharing the brilliant effectiveness of online dating, timing as an excuse for breaking up with someone, and other things that qualify Ben and Emily as having lived the same lives up until now.  Ben decides that dating a woman that is smarter than he is could be the formula to success (take that ANTM) and Emily receives the date rose as fireworks erupt into the sky. All the other girls are jealous. Mission complete.

 

 

Group Date – Ski Bunnies (not of the fluffy variety)

Ben strategically uses his largest group date to take ½ naked girls ski’ing down the streets of San Francisco. Watch out for the snow burn.

Straight 10’s across the board (even from the Russian judges) on Kacie’s backwards butt ski.

Move to cocktail hour when the ski bunnies are in little dress with no sign of any bruises from the day. All lies.

Kacie tries to rekindle the love from their first baton twirl.

Blakeley recognizes that everyone hates her.

Rachel gets a rose.

 

1 on 1 date –

Brittney decides she doesn’t love Ben as much as Grandma loves Ben and leaves the competition ek I mean leaves the Journey to find love. Lindzi takes Brittney’s sloppy seconds and goes on the date.

Lindzi and Ben take a trolly ride enjoying the sights, sounds, and tastes of the city including a little Basilica Block Party (Matt Nathanson concert) at City Hall and dinner at a historic speakeasy.

Which leads me to the best part of this entire episode.

Lindzi nonchalantly tells Ben the love of her life of a year and a half broke up with her via text message. And not just any text message. But a text message that read –

“Babe, Welcome to dumpsville. Population – You.”

Now my question is – what kind of crazy is she that she dated and fell in love with a big enough douchebag that would actually send that text after a year and a half?  

Thanks to the DBag we will get to find out, as Lindzi receives a rose and stays with us for another episode.

 

Cocktail – Rose Ceremony.

Let’s skip right to the exciting part. (Even passing over the MASS amount of tongue that was the kiss between Ben and Jennifer).

Flash to girl driving into San Fran talking to Chris. Who could it be? Ex Girlfriend? Kim Kardashian? Nope! Its Shawntel!  The funeral director that creep’d out Brad a season or so ago.  She struts into the house in a little red dress and turns all of the girls heads as she shocks Ben and lays her heart on the line. As she tells Ben she wants him to give her a chance the claws come out across the room.  Nothing like another girl in the mix to bring out the finger snaps and o’ no’ she’ di’in’ts from the other cats. It appears Ben was just as unimpressed as (or intimidated by) the other woman were and doesn’t give Shawntel the last rose on the plate. In fact, he doesn’t give the last rose out to anyone including Jaclyn even though she fainted for it.  

Ben – I am disappointed in you. Shawntel was your best shot at a decent girl this season. Oh well, maybe we will be writing about her again next season.

 

Judy has bounded to the top for this first recap and has 28 points!

 

We will see where this season takes us!

Bree